Some things I notice and think about:
Why do people work so hard to get a nice house or car, and are complete slobs in taking care of what they have? Did you not factor in the cost and time for maintenance?
Are vacations necessary every year?
Why do people say they want to give their children what they never had, and that usually ends up being based upon having things rather than based on instilling a back bone and a strong sense of self?
Why do we have to pray about helping someone? So much easier to pray and look away rather than actually do something.
When will we stop trying to have more 'authority over the devil' and learn how to resist a piece of cake or pair of shoes?
Why is it if a man gets the job done, he's a great leader, but if I get the job done, it's because I'm a bitch?
Why do people keep crying out in church for God to come and do something great, when we aren't great at going out?
Why would we rather go into debt for a car rather than invest into an education?
Why does it strongly appear that religious folks are so judgemental and only love with the agenda to convert rather than loving, period?
Why do people claim to believe the whole Bible as 100% truth when they selectively pick and choose what they will read and believe?
In order for any group of people to feel right, we have to make someone feel wrong.....don't get that?
Why are we more obsessed with skanky reality and pop culture rather than world issues and bettering each other's lives?
Why do we use religious literature to discriminate against women and other minorities?
Why don't more women try being nouns rather than an adjective?......voiced by Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Why don't we take better care of ourselves and each other rather than waiting on government to come through?
Why do so many of us act as though the world owes us something?
What's up with the shorts that come right up to the bottom of a female's arse? More like panties.
Why do Christians keep excusing Israel's actions when they've been just as responsible for terrorist acts throughout the world? Not anti-Semitic, but murder is murder no matter who you are!
Anybody else have anything they wonder about from time to time? Let me know. I'd love to know what you're thinking.
God Bless You All
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Needs and I
Have you ever sat down and really thought about what your needs are? Without looking at the mounds of bills that need paying or food you want but do not have in the kitchen...have you thought about it?
That's where I am in my life right now. As an American, I tend to be on the spoiled side when I slow down and look at how my life goes. This is not meant to be a guilt trip of sorts, but a time to reflect and really look at peeling away the unnecessary baggage of deciphering needs vs. wants.
How many of us buy groceries that we feel too tired to cook, and find ourselves eating out more than we should?
How many of us go out shopping because it's the weekend?
How many of us spend more money on entertaining ourselves?
How many of us just want our lives to be comfortable?
And so on and so on....
Yet, how many of us have stopped and realized that we really do have everything that we need, period. As socialist as this sounds, we also have each other to draw from. Family, friends, charities, etc. Sometimes, I find, that we have a bad habit of sabotaging ourselves and what is around us whether we are aware of it or not. Be it fear, insecurity, pride, fanaticism, or poor judgement, we all have made choices that have completely obliterated our wants, desires, and even needs from being met for a season.
Meanwhile, this week, I have been 'cutting away the fat' of this life I live. No financial woes or fears of the future...just a desire for a straight forward and simple life that is enjoyed in its fullest sense of the word. I want to share what I have with no mind to receive anything in return, truly listen to people when they speak, let compassion win over judgementalism, and push the limits of my strength. I can say that it doesn't take much for me to grow content- not complacent. Thank God, there is such a freedom in knowing and seeing that all of my needs are met. I still struggle with HOW they are met rather than accepting and celebrating that they are met...spoiled. Still a work in progress. I like the direction.
Honestly, I like the challenge of seeing what I can live without. It allows me to know that should anything change dramatically that I will be alright- even content. I can't help but always know that and be at peace with the truth that God takes care of me. Plain and simple.
These days, my words in prayer have been less about 'gimme gimme', and more towards endless gratitude. In fact, some days, I've shut up and just been still before God. Not seeking anything or a special 'feeling'- just quiet. Cut out the noise. Cut away the fat. My needs are always met, and I will help meet the needs of others.
That's where I am in my life right now. As an American, I tend to be on the spoiled side when I slow down and look at how my life goes. This is not meant to be a guilt trip of sorts, but a time to reflect and really look at peeling away the unnecessary baggage of deciphering needs vs. wants.
How many of us buy groceries that we feel too tired to cook, and find ourselves eating out more than we should?
How many of us go out shopping because it's the weekend?
How many of us spend more money on entertaining ourselves?
How many of us just want our lives to be comfortable?
And so on and so on....
Yet, how many of us have stopped and realized that we really do have everything that we need, period. As socialist as this sounds, we also have each other to draw from. Family, friends, charities, etc. Sometimes, I find, that we have a bad habit of sabotaging ourselves and what is around us whether we are aware of it or not. Be it fear, insecurity, pride, fanaticism, or poor judgement, we all have made choices that have completely obliterated our wants, desires, and even needs from being met for a season.
Meanwhile, this week, I have been 'cutting away the fat' of this life I live. No financial woes or fears of the future...just a desire for a straight forward and simple life that is enjoyed in its fullest sense of the word. I want to share what I have with no mind to receive anything in return, truly listen to people when they speak, let compassion win over judgementalism, and push the limits of my strength. I can say that it doesn't take much for me to grow content- not complacent. Thank God, there is such a freedom in knowing and seeing that all of my needs are met. I still struggle with HOW they are met rather than accepting and celebrating that they are met...spoiled. Still a work in progress. I like the direction.
Honestly, I like the challenge of seeing what I can live without. It allows me to know that should anything change dramatically that I will be alright- even content. I can't help but always know that and be at peace with the truth that God takes care of me. Plain and simple.
These days, my words in prayer have been less about 'gimme gimme', and more towards endless gratitude. In fact, some days, I've shut up and just been still before God. Not seeking anything or a special 'feeling'- just quiet. Cut out the noise. Cut away the fat. My needs are always met, and I will help meet the needs of others.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Things and I
Not giving myself time to rest from the long trip, hunt for furniture, 4 previous months of military training, driving straight from training in Virginia to Tennessee (12 hours), two weeks at my mom's to pack up my stuff, move west, take on a new leadership position at a new unit, and pray for the safe return of my husband. Not sure why I was crying at night in our bed by myself until a great friend of mine told me to look at how crazy life had been for the past year. I reflected and understood why I would 'crash' at night after getting off the phone with my husband. I was tired. Things had taken such a hold of me that I had no idea that I was walking around waiting to unexpectedly have a breakdown at any moment. Only once in my life have I had a panic attack from stress, and I would never wish that upon anyone. Hyperventilation, tears, anxiety, and the most helpless feeling. My whole body just froze in fear. At that point, you feel like death would be a luxury. Anything but that attack. Meanwhile, I wonder how many of us walk around everyday so bound up and ready to break. Trying to hold it together, save face, chase after some illusive dream that won't allow you to enjoy the journey of living until you leave this earth. Honestly, as scary as a breakdown or anxiety attack sounds, some of us should probably be dangled over the edge a little bit to wake us up. My mortality is very evident to me without being diagnosed with a terminal disease, a deadly car accident, or another's brush with death. With the understanding that there are responsibilities in life, I am not going to throw all caution to the wind. Mind you, this whole relationship that I have with 'things' needs to change direction or even die.
I've never been a "brand name" person. Going into horrible buyer's remorse, debt, or low self-esteem because I am not wearing a logo or driving a particular car hasn't really been an issue. Yet, I am trying to be still before God and allow Him to show me where I have allowed 'things' to manipulate or steel my joy. I realize that my husband and I have all that we need, and even some things we've wanted. The blessing is not in the stuff that God has allowed us to have, but in seeing beyond that and knowing that He has always provided- always. One good way that I've found to kill the dependence on stuff is to fast from stuff. Most people think that fasting is only from food. If that's you're 'thing' then you should try to fast from it. On the other hand, I have fasted from technology: no t.v., cell phone, computer, microwave, video games, and so on. I gave folks a heads up on me being away from e-mails and phone calls. I couldn't believe how clear my mind was, sitting still before God was a little easier. I was free to be more conscious when I ate, which allowed me to really taste my food, enjoy it, and not overeat. Usually, I would have a horrible habit of eating mindlessly while stuffing my face in front of a box with mind-numbing entertainment.There were so many benefits to letting go of technology for a day. Productivity and being present in my own life were the biggest benefits. God showed that most of the stuff I had actually had me.
I want to know that I can give beyond myself. Not let something have such a hold on me that I can't meet the needs of others in my life. Besides, it's not about me. We all say we want to live comfortable lives. I don't. I want to live and smile no matter where I am. More and more, I am finding out that God is not interested in our comfort but our growth. He offers a peace that surpasses all understanding, which means that if you want to live beyond yourself, you will need that kind of peace. Why? because we are ALL so attached to having things. People work so hard to the point that they lose their families so they can have things. Once you retire, you're too tired or too old to really do anything but skydive with assistance. ..hahaha. I've seen more people stress over vacations: money, where to go, kids. Henry David Thoreau once said, "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."
My main example, of course, is Christ. His humility was His strength. It was not what He wore, who His parents were, what profession He held, or how much me made. Everyone wants a title, but forgets their own name. Whatever the Father blessed Him with, He was able- even ready to lavish upon someone else without the world knowing.
Who am I to base my life or anybody's life progress on what we do or do not have? Things are not everything. There is so much that I can do without. There are so many ways to use money to the benefit and enrichment of others. Notice I said enrichment- that means to help grow, not clean up mess. God, I don't want to be stingy or so stuck on things that it hurts to live.
I've never been a "brand name" person. Going into horrible buyer's remorse, debt, or low self-esteem because I am not wearing a logo or driving a particular car hasn't really been an issue. Yet, I am trying to be still before God and allow Him to show me where I have allowed 'things' to manipulate or steel my joy. I realize that my husband and I have all that we need, and even some things we've wanted. The blessing is not in the stuff that God has allowed us to have, but in seeing beyond that and knowing that He has always provided- always. One good way that I've found to kill the dependence on stuff is to fast from stuff. Most people think that fasting is only from food. If that's you're 'thing' then you should try to fast from it. On the other hand, I have fasted from technology: no t.v., cell phone, computer, microwave, video games, and so on. I gave folks a heads up on me being away from e-mails and phone calls. I couldn't believe how clear my mind was, sitting still before God was a little easier. I was free to be more conscious when I ate, which allowed me to really taste my food, enjoy it, and not overeat. Usually, I would have a horrible habit of eating mindlessly while stuffing my face in front of a box with mind-numbing entertainment.There were so many benefits to letting go of technology for a day. Productivity and being present in my own life were the biggest benefits. God showed that most of the stuff I had actually had me.
I want to know that I can give beyond myself. Not let something have such a hold on me that I can't meet the needs of others in my life. Besides, it's not about me. We all say we want to live comfortable lives. I don't. I want to live and smile no matter where I am. More and more, I am finding out that God is not interested in our comfort but our growth. He offers a peace that surpasses all understanding, which means that if you want to live beyond yourself, you will need that kind of peace. Why? because we are ALL so attached to having things. People work so hard to the point that they lose their families so they can have things. Once you retire, you're too tired or too old to really do anything but skydive with assistance. ..hahaha. I've seen more people stress over vacations: money, where to go, kids. Henry David Thoreau once said, "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."
My main example, of course, is Christ. His humility was His strength. It was not what He wore, who His parents were, what profession He held, or how much me made. Everyone wants a title, but forgets their own name. Whatever the Father blessed Him with, He was able- even ready to lavish upon someone else without the world knowing.
Who am I to base my life or anybody's life progress on what we do or do not have? Things are not everything. There is so much that I can do without. There are so many ways to use money to the benefit and enrichment of others. Notice I said enrichment- that means to help grow, not clean up mess. God, I don't want to be stingy or so stuck on things that it hurts to live.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Return to What?
Next time I hear another church folk complaining about prayer being taken out of school, I'll just kindly remove myself. I don't get it. We are told to obey our authority and pray for them. Okay. I can do that. Will I obey at all cost? No, honestly. Yet, when people descend upon the government to be all doom and gloom because there is no prayer in schools, I just shake my head. Usually when prayer happened in school, it was the class saying grace before lunch. That's for the most part. If you're so upset that a teacher does not make your child pray in school, then you as a parent have relinquished your rights to set an example for your own kids. Instead, you rely on big government to dictate. Wrong answer! Whatever happened to the phrase-It all starts at home? The phrase may have vanished but the responsibility has not. Pray with your kids before school- you're the parent, right? "My kids can't read the Bible in school!" Actually, they can. I used to read to myself all the time when my work was done before class was over. Instead, you teach them how to read, study, and pray. People get crazy like school was their last resort for faith.
This doesn't mean that you lay down and take whatever the law says. Challenging and questioning are great. But knowing that you're in the world but not of it keeps you in check as well. No matter what, you keep going on with what you believe is right. Don't be afraid to give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's.
Sometimes I wonder why people are praying that this country return to God. Were we ever with Him in the first place- I mean, truly with Him. I know people will tell me to look at the Christian heritage of our nation, and see why people left England for America- religious freedom. But looking at our hearty attempts to create this perfect City on a Hill caused lots of bloodshed and condemnation. All of that in the name of trying to be a perfect community. The only problem is that the community of Christian chastity and perfection was made up of human beings, which we all know are imperfect and fallible. At least I know I am. Our past was not perfect, so why pray for the return to such a place? I don't think it's neccesarily to God to whom they pray we return. I think most folks long for the days of religious regulation that enslaved many to a bunch of rules. Things do seem to be getting out of hand, but do you think rules have ever saved us? Laws have only purposed to condemn us. Where is the freedom in that?
I understand there must be rules and codes of conduct for protection and safety, but not for trying to control. People will do whatever people want to do. It's the blessing and curse of free will. Parents would know better than anyone else about that. You can love your child to pieces and raise them in the strictest of homes, but that does not take away their ability to choose. You pray they make the right choices- whatever right means- and keep being a parent. Will they fall short as a child- yes. But did you fall short as a parent- sure. We are not perfect. Ya'll okay with that? Free will is crazy beautiful.
Speaking of returning to the old ways, I am finding myself at a more enlightened stance on this whole abortion thing. As we humans love to do, we categorize. Pro-choice and pro-life. Nothing in between. I've spoken against abortion, and to this day believe that it is not the right choice for me. Have I given up and thrown my hands up in the air in surrender? Depends on which way you see the act of surrender. Cowardly or sweet. Meanwhile, I realized, like any law put into place, people will continue to break it. Forever. That doesn't mean I've stopped fighting. It means that I realize that free will can never be controlled. God almighty may command us, but He doesn't make us do anything. He wants us to make the choice, and no matter how heartbreaking it may be to Him, He does not take away our free will. Does that mean I retreat in silence and watch people potentially destroy themselves and others? No. I speak up. I speak up with a fierce and merciful love that is both willing and ready to celebrate or cover a multitude of sins. God gave us 10 commandments and we couldn't keep those. So Jesus broke it down and told us to love God and love people. Think about it. If you love people, you won't steal from them, covet what they own, kill them, so on and so forth. It's plain and simple. People will always do what they want, but can you love them anyway? I don't pray for a return to the days of old. Instead, I pray for the emergence of wild mercy and unbridled love.
I continue to be a recipient of mercy. Let me extend the same. That is freedom in it's finest form.
This doesn't mean that you lay down and take whatever the law says. Challenging and questioning are great. But knowing that you're in the world but not of it keeps you in check as well. No matter what, you keep going on with what you believe is right. Don't be afraid to give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's.
Sometimes I wonder why people are praying that this country return to God. Were we ever with Him in the first place- I mean, truly with Him. I know people will tell me to look at the Christian heritage of our nation, and see why people left England for America- religious freedom. But looking at our hearty attempts to create this perfect City on a Hill caused lots of bloodshed and condemnation. All of that in the name of trying to be a perfect community. The only problem is that the community of Christian chastity and perfection was made up of human beings, which we all know are imperfect and fallible. At least I know I am. Our past was not perfect, so why pray for the return to such a place? I don't think it's neccesarily to God to whom they pray we return. I think most folks long for the days of religious regulation that enslaved many to a bunch of rules. Things do seem to be getting out of hand, but do you think rules have ever saved us? Laws have only purposed to condemn us. Where is the freedom in that?
I understand there must be rules and codes of conduct for protection and safety, but not for trying to control. People will do whatever people want to do. It's the blessing and curse of free will. Parents would know better than anyone else about that. You can love your child to pieces and raise them in the strictest of homes, but that does not take away their ability to choose. You pray they make the right choices- whatever right means- and keep being a parent. Will they fall short as a child- yes. But did you fall short as a parent- sure. We are not perfect. Ya'll okay with that? Free will is crazy beautiful.
Speaking of returning to the old ways, I am finding myself at a more enlightened stance on this whole abortion thing. As we humans love to do, we categorize. Pro-choice and pro-life. Nothing in between. I've spoken against abortion, and to this day believe that it is not the right choice for me. Have I given up and thrown my hands up in the air in surrender? Depends on which way you see the act of surrender. Cowardly or sweet. Meanwhile, I realized, like any law put into place, people will continue to break it. Forever. That doesn't mean I've stopped fighting. It means that I realize that free will can never be controlled. God almighty may command us, but He doesn't make us do anything. He wants us to make the choice, and no matter how heartbreaking it may be to Him, He does not take away our free will. Does that mean I retreat in silence and watch people potentially destroy themselves and others? No. I speak up. I speak up with a fierce and merciful love that is both willing and ready to celebrate or cover a multitude of sins. God gave us 10 commandments and we couldn't keep those. So Jesus broke it down and told us to love God and love people. Think about it. If you love people, you won't steal from them, covet what they own, kill them, so on and so forth. It's plain and simple. People will always do what they want, but can you love them anyway? I don't pray for a return to the days of old. Instead, I pray for the emergence of wild mercy and unbridled love.
I continue to be a recipient of mercy. Let me extend the same. That is freedom in it's finest form.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Mold
This part of my life has been held in for years, or at least only vented to a trusted few. It's about this mold thing. Hate it with a passion. I'm not much on fitting in and being cookie-cutter- don't think that's the way God created me to be. I'm looking at my life thus far and seeing how nothing turned out the way anyone nor myself thought it would:)
What's this illusive mold that anyone can easily become prey to at any stage of their life? They all differ- smart, pretty, devout, wealthy, Republican...hahaha. They all look different but are all the same- a mold. Which one have you tried to fit into or maintain today?
For the bigger part of my life, I have gone back and forth trying to make sense of where I belong. As a teenager, I was the only person in my immediate family that attended church. After years of 'church hopping', my mother couldn't find a place where she thought we belonged. Mostly that thought arised because of the deep prejudices and bigotry that remained in our little town. Either way, I found myself in search of a church home by myself. Seeing the backward ways of many church folk pushed me out of the church and into Wicca for 3 years. What was so strange, was that I still went in search of a church home while practicing- guess it was my way of trying to cover my tracks to my parents. Maybe I was still in love with Christ- just not his flock at the time.
Meanwhile, on my quest as the lonely searching teen, I was no longer welcomed in one church because of my skin, and then I was invited to another church. Somehow the risk of folk's rejection again did not cross my mind- I just wanted a home. So I showed up, stood at the threshold of the door, and realized as I heard the theme from Andy and Griffith in my head that this was once again, an all-white church. My mind literally said- "What the hell? Again? Okay."
Breaking it to my mother was not great at the time, but funny now. After being taken in with much love by this new family of God, I wanted to be baptized. My mother objected and told me that I would become 'like them'. I couldn't make sense of it. A teenager, who could be out doing God knows what, has made the decision to follow Christ and be baptized. The only problem was the color of the church. I'm not sure if she was trying to look out for me so I wouldn't get hurt or what, but I was grounded from getting baptized. I laughed and went to my room to listen to music. She eventually let up and allowed me to be baptized at the church- she came and watched:) Thank you, mom. She left after I ascended from the water, and I stayed behind with friends.
Still wet from the watery grave, I was getting ready to cross the street and drive home. A truck full of guys were at a stop light as I waited to cross. When the light turned green, they yelled out, "Nigger!", and sped off into the night. I don't know who they were, but I was determined to stay where I knew I belonged. Right there on the corner of Troy and Oak, I made the decision, with tears and anger, to remain faithful- even if that meant looking again for another church to call home. Right there, I knew my world had started to collide and was coming alive.
I had no idea that the years to come would be so tumoltuous as I would try to bring things together. Most of my days were either spent being involved in school or locked in my room with nothing but my music and a bunch of tears. I felt like I was two people- a black part and a white part. I'd invite family to church, and some would ask if it was that 'white church'. I'd kindly tell them that I'm there, so it's not all white. In the meantime, there were a few members that I knew treated me like I was a charity case- the poor token black girl. The exhaustion of running back and forth put me in an emotional, spiritual, and mental strain. I'd hear churches on both sides of the track praying that God would bring the nations to them, but they did nothing to reach those different from themselves. They prayed people would come into their churches, but never truly went out and involved themselves in the dirt of other's lives. And when someone other than them came, that person was met with a false sense of welcome. I still don't understand it. It breaks my heart to this day.
I didn't fit anyone's mold, and now I know that that's great. For a while, it nagged me. I enjoy people and if they don't enjoy me because they can't categorize me then kindly remove yourself from my greatness and go on. I don't have time, darlin'.
And what's this whole 'black thing'? Huh? I've heard people from both sides of the fence tell me I'm not 'black enough'.....whatever that means. I've even had a person question me about why I like to run for leisure if I'm not holding a television in my hands. Ignorant. Plain dumb. People have questioned my name because it's not Lakesha or Shaniqua...hahaha. The way I speak has thrown people off. Even a phone call to the police later stated on my police report that I was a white female. Employers over the phone have invited me in to an interview only to see a chocolate goddess show up and grace their presence. I've been removed from roles in plays because I was black, asked to be on a committee only because I was black, and so on. Then I'm hit with the question of my ethnicity. Just dumb. I pose to you all this question: What does black enough mean? White folks can't wrap their heads around me, and black folks think I'm being uppity and white.
What about just choosing to be a human being who loves God and people? Being successful has nothing to do with color. Being educated doesn't mean being white, it means you're using your God-given brain- we all have one.
When my teammates and I are in the middle of hell, my need for them crosses all bounds. All we see before us is hell, and all we know is that we must figure out a way to get through that hell together. Stereotypes and beliefs go out the window. I need you, you need me- let's do this.
At the end of the day, I am with me wherever I go. Fighting for myself instead of against myself all the time has become second nature to me. I don't pray to be healed of what I think sickens me. I pray to be made whole, which I am in the process of being. Feels great. Feels like I should've been this way all along. A return to Eden before the fall. My heart's desire is to see people of ALL backgrounds celebrate being human. Depression, racism, fear, hate, vanity, doubt, and so on are no respecter of persons. We all hurt, we all fear, but we all have an incredible ability to love. Why do we spend the majority of our time fulfilling everything else but love in its deepest sense? The kind of love that stays committed when your mind and flesh tell you to walk away or lose it. The kind that celebrates who people are instead of stumbling over what they are not to you?
I was never made to live or be cookie-cutter or All-American. Molds don't fit me, and I'm not gonna waste my time trying to fit into one. If I'm made in the image of almighty God, who is limitless and free, then who am I not to mimic my Father? It's in every fiber of my being to be so. That requires no molds.
What's this illusive mold that anyone can easily become prey to at any stage of their life? They all differ- smart, pretty, devout, wealthy, Republican...hahaha. They all look different but are all the same- a mold. Which one have you tried to fit into or maintain today?
For the bigger part of my life, I have gone back and forth trying to make sense of where I belong. As a teenager, I was the only person in my immediate family that attended church. After years of 'church hopping', my mother couldn't find a place where she thought we belonged. Mostly that thought arised because of the deep prejudices and bigotry that remained in our little town. Either way, I found myself in search of a church home by myself. Seeing the backward ways of many church folk pushed me out of the church and into Wicca for 3 years. What was so strange, was that I still went in search of a church home while practicing- guess it was my way of trying to cover my tracks to my parents. Maybe I was still in love with Christ- just not his flock at the time.
Meanwhile, on my quest as the lonely searching teen, I was no longer welcomed in one church because of my skin, and then I was invited to another church. Somehow the risk of folk's rejection again did not cross my mind- I just wanted a home. So I showed up, stood at the threshold of the door, and realized as I heard the theme from Andy and Griffith in my head that this was once again, an all-white church. My mind literally said- "What the hell? Again? Okay."
Breaking it to my mother was not great at the time, but funny now. After being taken in with much love by this new family of God, I wanted to be baptized. My mother objected and told me that I would become 'like them'. I couldn't make sense of it. A teenager, who could be out doing God knows what, has made the decision to follow Christ and be baptized. The only problem was the color of the church. I'm not sure if she was trying to look out for me so I wouldn't get hurt or what, but I was grounded from getting baptized. I laughed and went to my room to listen to music. She eventually let up and allowed me to be baptized at the church- she came and watched:) Thank you, mom. She left after I ascended from the water, and I stayed behind with friends.
Still wet from the watery grave, I was getting ready to cross the street and drive home. A truck full of guys were at a stop light as I waited to cross. When the light turned green, they yelled out, "Nigger!", and sped off into the night. I don't know who they were, but I was determined to stay where I knew I belonged. Right there on the corner of Troy and Oak, I made the decision, with tears and anger, to remain faithful- even if that meant looking again for another church to call home. Right there, I knew my world had started to collide and was coming alive.
I had no idea that the years to come would be so tumoltuous as I would try to bring things together. Most of my days were either spent being involved in school or locked in my room with nothing but my music and a bunch of tears. I felt like I was two people- a black part and a white part. I'd invite family to church, and some would ask if it was that 'white church'. I'd kindly tell them that I'm there, so it's not all white. In the meantime, there were a few members that I knew treated me like I was a charity case- the poor token black girl. The exhaustion of running back and forth put me in an emotional, spiritual, and mental strain. I'd hear churches on both sides of the track praying that God would bring the nations to them, but they did nothing to reach those different from themselves. They prayed people would come into their churches, but never truly went out and involved themselves in the dirt of other's lives. And when someone other than them came, that person was met with a false sense of welcome. I still don't understand it. It breaks my heart to this day.
I didn't fit anyone's mold, and now I know that that's great. For a while, it nagged me. I enjoy people and if they don't enjoy me because they can't categorize me then kindly remove yourself from my greatness and go on. I don't have time, darlin'.
And what's this whole 'black thing'? Huh? I've heard people from both sides of the fence tell me I'm not 'black enough'.....whatever that means. I've even had a person question me about why I like to run for leisure if I'm not holding a television in my hands. Ignorant. Plain dumb. People have questioned my name because it's not Lakesha or Shaniqua...hahaha. The way I speak has thrown people off. Even a phone call to the police later stated on my police report that I was a white female. Employers over the phone have invited me in to an interview only to see a chocolate goddess show up and grace their presence. I've been removed from roles in plays because I was black, asked to be on a committee only because I was black, and so on. Then I'm hit with the question of my ethnicity. Just dumb. I pose to you all this question: What does black enough mean? White folks can't wrap their heads around me, and black folks think I'm being uppity and white.
What about just choosing to be a human being who loves God and people? Being successful has nothing to do with color. Being educated doesn't mean being white, it means you're using your God-given brain- we all have one.
When my teammates and I are in the middle of hell, my need for them crosses all bounds. All we see before us is hell, and all we know is that we must figure out a way to get through that hell together. Stereotypes and beliefs go out the window. I need you, you need me- let's do this.
At the end of the day, I am with me wherever I go. Fighting for myself instead of against myself all the time has become second nature to me. I don't pray to be healed of what I think sickens me. I pray to be made whole, which I am in the process of being. Feels great. Feels like I should've been this way all along. A return to Eden before the fall. My heart's desire is to see people of ALL backgrounds celebrate being human. Depression, racism, fear, hate, vanity, doubt, and so on are no respecter of persons. We all hurt, we all fear, but we all have an incredible ability to love. Why do we spend the majority of our time fulfilling everything else but love in its deepest sense? The kind of love that stays committed when your mind and flesh tell you to walk away or lose it. The kind that celebrates who people are instead of stumbling over what they are not to you?
I was never made to live or be cookie-cutter or All-American. Molds don't fit me, and I'm not gonna waste my time trying to fit into one. If I'm made in the image of almighty God, who is limitless and free, then who am I not to mimic my Father? It's in every fiber of my being to be so. That requires no molds.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Chivalry Part
.....And to the last part of the blog's title- Chivalry. What exactly do we think of chivalry? Many of us think that it is dead. Many have never heard of the word. Many just don't care, or think it's so old fashioned. Some of us have had it used against us for another's pleasure at our expense:( Whatever you think of chivalry, I can honestly tell everyone that it does exist. Some may call it being a gentleman today. I personally believe that chivalry has been skewed to a one sided point. We tend to lean more towards the men when it comes to chivalry and being a gentlemen. I beg to differ. In order for a gentleman to be chivalrous, a woman needs to be a lady- plain and simple. It goes both ways, people.
How can someone know how to treat another human being in a way that is kind and genuine when they've lived among nothing but the bottom of society? For me it's basic. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Is it really that simple? No. Sometimes, we will have to live and learn- find out what right looks like- fall on our faces. Step out of our comfort zones in order to broaden our perspectives. In the end, the cost of learning to respect and love will be worth it- promise.
Unfortunately, we have this horrible ability as human beings to meander back to our old desires and ways. They die hard because they are apart of us, and they are strong contributors to the stories of our lives. Yet, we can be so aware of the better possibilities that await us, but feel a sort of obligation to 'stay put' because it's all we've ever known. After a while, the excuse of ignorance will only dissolve into stupidity. Can't go one excusing as ignorant forever!
In the case for chivalry and ignorance, I am amazed at how we as a society have excused ourselves from the table of genuine kindness. We've done it in the name of women's liberation and empowerment, male dominance, religion, and so forth. Today, doing anything chivalrous- valorous, generous, and courteous is made into a big deal. Why is that? There are a host of reasons, but one would be because we have learned more and more to look out for #1. Selfish. Look at advertisements, look at our individualistic western society that celebrates our individuality to the point that we lose site of our fellow man. We expect everyone to help us, but rarely look to help others. There is nothing wrong with celebrating differences- in fact- it's great. Yet, when everyone cries out to be celebrated rather than the whole, we buy into the names of "I", "me", and "my" more than we ought. So you see, chivalry is not just about the exchanges of kindness between a man and a woman, but about us all. It must be expected, taught, revamped, and done. My ability to love and respect another should not waver because another chooses to treat me inhumane on purpose or of ignorance. In the end you will find that the steady act of chivalry will become second nature, and from this act will grow love. With love, there is no expectation of return.
In terms of the typical chivalry thought to take place between a man and a woman, I can only speak of my experience. Like I mentioned earlier, chivalry has been used against some of us so much to the point that we have found ourselves sitting in disgrace and shame at a police office. That was me once- 10 years ago and overseas. At that point accepting any kind of chivalry or love was nearly impossible. Still, the truth that kindness and love existed and I could give as well as receive it stayed in my mind. No matter what happened, I never let that hope escape me. Common sense told me that to be loving but excuse myself from being loved made no sense at all. Easier said than done. The further I loathed myself, the worse I became and the worse I allowed others to treat me. Chivalry? Kindness? Love? ha! "Let me give to you and love you". Words of a control freak so afraid that someone would love in a way I had not approved. I would love to say that I am now the most loving and accepting person, but I am not. Have I come a long way? Yes!
All in all, chivalry is not dead. As long as there are human beings in existence, kindness and intentional love must continue. They must be a priority.
Chivalry is not dead!!!
How can someone know how to treat another human being in a way that is kind and genuine when they've lived among nothing but the bottom of society? For me it's basic. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Is it really that simple? No. Sometimes, we will have to live and learn- find out what right looks like- fall on our faces. Step out of our comfort zones in order to broaden our perspectives. In the end, the cost of learning to respect and love will be worth it- promise.
Unfortunately, we have this horrible ability as human beings to meander back to our old desires and ways. They die hard because they are apart of us, and they are strong contributors to the stories of our lives. Yet, we can be so aware of the better possibilities that await us, but feel a sort of obligation to 'stay put' because it's all we've ever known. After a while, the excuse of ignorance will only dissolve into stupidity. Can't go one excusing as ignorant forever!
In the case for chivalry and ignorance, I am amazed at how we as a society have excused ourselves from the table of genuine kindness. We've done it in the name of women's liberation and empowerment, male dominance, religion, and so forth. Today, doing anything chivalrous- valorous, generous, and courteous is made into a big deal. Why is that? There are a host of reasons, but one would be because we have learned more and more to look out for #1. Selfish. Look at advertisements, look at our individualistic western society that celebrates our individuality to the point that we lose site of our fellow man. We expect everyone to help us, but rarely look to help others. There is nothing wrong with celebrating differences- in fact- it's great. Yet, when everyone cries out to be celebrated rather than the whole, we buy into the names of "I", "me", and "my" more than we ought. So you see, chivalry is not just about the exchanges of kindness between a man and a woman, but about us all. It must be expected, taught, revamped, and done. My ability to love and respect another should not waver because another chooses to treat me inhumane on purpose or of ignorance. In the end you will find that the steady act of chivalry will become second nature, and from this act will grow love. With love, there is no expectation of return.
In terms of the typical chivalry thought to take place between a man and a woman, I can only speak of my experience. Like I mentioned earlier, chivalry has been used against some of us so much to the point that we have found ourselves sitting in disgrace and shame at a police office. That was me once- 10 years ago and overseas. At that point accepting any kind of chivalry or love was nearly impossible. Still, the truth that kindness and love existed and I could give as well as receive it stayed in my mind. No matter what happened, I never let that hope escape me. Common sense told me that to be loving but excuse myself from being loved made no sense at all. Easier said than done. The further I loathed myself, the worse I became and the worse I allowed others to treat me. Chivalry? Kindness? Love? ha! "Let me give to you and love you". Words of a control freak so afraid that someone would love in a way I had not approved. I would love to say that I am now the most loving and accepting person, but I am not. Have I come a long way? Yes!
All in all, chivalry is not dead. As long as there are human beings in existence, kindness and intentional love must continue. They must be a priority.
Chivalry is not dead!!!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The God Part
The God part keeps evolving. That's always a good thing. In no way have I 'arrived' or stopped growing. If that were the case, I would be declared dead. Nonetheless, I am still alive, and the God part continues to be apart of me- no matter what. Things that I find interesting about the whole Christianity thing are usually brought up in conversations with my husband, Donnie. Last night after church, we went to Noodles n' Company for dinner and discussion. It's nice to have someone you can spiritually connect with- helps you grow, think, and step out a little further than you thought possible. Anyway, church last night was what Radiant Church calls Fusion Night. It's a night where there is a continuum of worship music. No sermon, just worship through music an prayer. Pretty cool and much needed. Meanwhile, there was a song my husband pointed out that mentioned the phrase- "You (God) are worthy of my praise"- I thought nothing of it until Donnie brought it up over dinner. How arrogant of us to tell the God of the universe that He is worthy of our praise. First of all, He doesn't need our praise. For us to tell Him, who is perfect and holy, that He is worthy of what comes out of our fallible mouths completely caught me. He is worthy, period. I'm not into condemnation, but compared to Him, our righteousness is as filthy rags. Even as the redeemed, we are still imperfect. Yet, maybe saying that He is worthy of our praise is a way of saying that we have loved many things, but He alone deserves it all. Just a thought.
Also, I've read the book by the controversial preacher, Rob Bell, called Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person that Ever Lived. Most people would cringe at the idea of reading a book that questions the existence of hell. Here's my challenge to that: If you think Rob Bell's book is such an enemy to the church, then why not read it? If you're of strong faith, I guess. For example, if my enemy or wayward brother wanted to show me his arsenal with which he fights, then I want to see so I know what I'm up against. Not that I agree or disagree completely with Rob Bell's book, but in the end, I still love God for who He is. He does what He wants when He wants to. I am not afraid to ask questions. Will I always get an answer? No. Will I always get an answer that I like? Nope. Still, there is much grace in questioning and testing. He wants us to seek Him, and that's what I intend to do each time I wonder. I know my place, but in that space is a vast expanse to go out in faith and see God in His fullness. To just sit back and accept what has been taught, given, and put in my face does not solidify my choosing Him to be my God. It simply means that I'm good at accepting religion- not Him.
I've studied theology and researched the contradictions of the Bible at the same time. I've read books that were not chosen or cannonized to be in the Bible i.e. Gospel of Thomas, Mary, etc. I've attended churches that worship with no instruments, only hymns, contemporary, no minor keys, shouting, silence, snakes, and so on. Is anyone right? Not for me to say so. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. There's no true instruction as to how, but a calling to do so. Being right means that someone or something must be wrong. Not my place. But I do question why we hold on to so many man-made rules that quinch the Spirit. In the end, I just want Him. He doesn't stop my praises from rising to Him because I am a woman. In fact, I think it is very odd that as someone who can lead worship, I cannot preach in many churches because of my sex. But as a woman, I can preach to your children in Sunday school. That is a huge mantle to wear. Not to be taken lightly. Children are more easily influenced than adults- think about it. Worship does not take a back seat to preaching. They are of the same Spirit, and require the same calling of God. Worship leading and nursery are not jobs you freely pick up to pay a few bills- NO!!! It's a platform of honor, respect, calling, and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. The same as preaching. So really, what's the difference? Is one greater than the other? I think not. God speaks through both. The only difference is that one speaks with words, and the other with a melody of words. So why is it that I cannot speak to men if God has moved me to do so? Actually, I can. Jesus went where He was lead, and spoke where He was called. Did everyone receive Him? No. Did He let that stop Him from being lead? Not at all. So unfortunate that their hearts were so hardened by there traiditions that they shut out the Son of God. We do it all the time. All of us. God rock our boats. In the meantime, If God spoke through an ass, I'm sure He wouldn't mind speaking through a daughter that was made in His image. Practically speaking, I am higher up on the food chain. He's so kind, so big, so gracious...why aren't we?
Whoever said that a married church leader who hasn't been divorced would be a better candidate for church leadership? Don't understand that one. You can be married and be an irresponsible, abusive, addicted, and unbelieving man. It's great to hear someone's confession of faith, but that still doesn't cut it. Jesus said that we would know folks by their fruit. Say what you like, but if the ministry is not flourishing and people aren't growing or being challenged then- you are the weakest link- good-bye. I understand that there should be regulations for running things, but some things need to be revamped and revised. Not watered down, but strong in their approach to glorify God and be open to what He is calling us to do for others. Not stroking any man/woman's ego or trying to control a flock through a bunch of rules. Seek ye first HIS kingdom, and all other things will be added.
Much more to pray about, to learn , and to change. God will be glorified.
Also, I've read the book by the controversial preacher, Rob Bell, called Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person that Ever Lived. Most people would cringe at the idea of reading a book that questions the existence of hell. Here's my challenge to that: If you think Rob Bell's book is such an enemy to the church, then why not read it? If you're of strong faith, I guess. For example, if my enemy or wayward brother wanted to show me his arsenal with which he fights, then I want to see so I know what I'm up against. Not that I agree or disagree completely with Rob Bell's book, but in the end, I still love God for who He is. He does what He wants when He wants to. I am not afraid to ask questions. Will I always get an answer? No. Will I always get an answer that I like? Nope. Still, there is much grace in questioning and testing. He wants us to seek Him, and that's what I intend to do each time I wonder. I know my place, but in that space is a vast expanse to go out in faith and see God in His fullness. To just sit back and accept what has been taught, given, and put in my face does not solidify my choosing Him to be my God. It simply means that I'm good at accepting religion- not Him.
I've studied theology and researched the contradictions of the Bible at the same time. I've read books that were not chosen or cannonized to be in the Bible i.e. Gospel of Thomas, Mary, etc. I've attended churches that worship with no instruments, only hymns, contemporary, no minor keys, shouting, silence, snakes, and so on. Is anyone right? Not for me to say so. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. There's no true instruction as to how, but a calling to do so. Being right means that someone or something must be wrong. Not my place. But I do question why we hold on to so many man-made rules that quinch the Spirit. In the end, I just want Him. He doesn't stop my praises from rising to Him because I am a woman. In fact, I think it is very odd that as someone who can lead worship, I cannot preach in many churches because of my sex. But as a woman, I can preach to your children in Sunday school. That is a huge mantle to wear. Not to be taken lightly. Children are more easily influenced than adults- think about it. Worship does not take a back seat to preaching. They are of the same Spirit, and require the same calling of God. Worship leading and nursery are not jobs you freely pick up to pay a few bills- NO!!! It's a platform of honor, respect, calling, and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. The same as preaching. So really, what's the difference? Is one greater than the other? I think not. God speaks through both. The only difference is that one speaks with words, and the other with a melody of words. So why is it that I cannot speak to men if God has moved me to do so? Actually, I can. Jesus went where He was lead, and spoke where He was called. Did everyone receive Him? No. Did He let that stop Him from being lead? Not at all. So unfortunate that their hearts were so hardened by there traiditions that they shut out the Son of God. We do it all the time. All of us. God rock our boats. In the meantime, If God spoke through an ass, I'm sure He wouldn't mind speaking through a daughter that was made in His image. Practically speaking, I am higher up on the food chain. He's so kind, so big, so gracious...why aren't we?
Whoever said that a married church leader who hasn't been divorced would be a better candidate for church leadership? Don't understand that one. You can be married and be an irresponsible, abusive, addicted, and unbelieving man. It's great to hear someone's confession of faith, but that still doesn't cut it. Jesus said that we would know folks by their fruit. Say what you like, but if the ministry is not flourishing and people aren't growing or being challenged then- you are the weakest link- good-bye. I understand that there should be regulations for running things, but some things need to be revamped and revised. Not watered down, but strong in their approach to glorify God and be open to what He is calling us to do for others. Not stroking any man/woman's ego or trying to control a flock through a bunch of rules. Seek ye first HIS kingdom, and all other things will be added.
Much more to pray about, to learn , and to change. God will be glorified.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The Fat Part
Okay. Thus begins my next blog about the first word in my blog's title- Fat. I say it with mixed feelings. For one, with frustration about why it lingers longer the older you get. Then with a curious joy because it makes people uncomfortable. I guess I tend to be a bit of a rebel, and enjoy rocking the boat- not out of spite, but out of a desire for people to let go and get crazy for the better. Anyway, the fat part.
This morning, I recalled a whole lot of memeories that I needed to conjure up before blogging today. Most of the memories were not pleasant but needed. By the way, this is not an estrogen complaining session about skinny and fat. Nope. Just allowing you to see into my life (all of it) and take whatever you need to help you fly from your nasty nests. So, back to the fat part.....
I went all the way back to as far as I could remember. Of course, I think we all are bombarded with image before birth, but I couldn't go back that far- sorry. Yet, I do recall being called a heifer and big as a house by my mother at the age of 8. I recall waiting for mom to bring home groceries while my siblings and I blessed and split a grape popsicle into thirds becasue it was all we had until the groceries came. Mom was and still is a fantastic lady- times were hard for a little. Once those groceries came through that door, I remember telling myself that they were OUR Groceries, and no one would take them away. I would not be hungry ever again! Pretty bold statmenet for a child to make. Since being in the military, I've been told to lose 4 pounds in a week, 'have a slim Christmas' because I had to be weighed when I came back from break in two weeks, stand in a line in public to have my body measured to prove that my muscle is more than my fat because I didn't fit the BMI ( body mass index). Oh, that happens at least 3 times a year. Coming up next month. I've had leaders yell at me to run faster up hills to "get thighs my husband will love", threaten to mess with my pay, and follow me in a banquet line while questioning me about what I placed on my plate. I was welcomed to my new unit with a comment that among the first group to be kicked out of the militray during force reduction would be the fatties. They want Solders that are physically fit- of which I am- they just can't get passed the fat part. Since then, my love/hate releationship with the vicious cycle of diets, food, fat, fitness, and so on has consumed me and even made me anxious for the better half of my life.
Thank God, I'm getting tired of all the BS. I want off this ride, please!!! It's absolutely crazy. Though I will still have to scrape years of layered poop off of my brain and out of my soul, I'm 28, let's get on with it. This does not negate the fact that health will remain in focus. But it does mean that health does not always equal thin. Simple thought but we never let it sink it in. We still chase after the illusive body of a twelve year old. A body that only 3% of women in the world have. A body that, one hundred years ago, would be considered sickly and poor. A body that will Never be me. Truth accepted! Too much time being spent trying to be a body instead of trying to be somebody. That's just unacceptable, Evelyn.
But what about the times I've spent buying into the whole thin thing and keeping it alive? How have I contributed to 'feeding the monster' ? Well, buying magazines that only tell me about how to fix flaws that most of the time never exist, get sexy hair, tighter abs- crap, get some abs! Get this summer look, eat this, don't eat that, bronze yourself- i'm black! Suck in your body with spandex and tighten your face with jelly. What's so sad is that most of us don't even know how to go before God on a Sunday without a painted face and jewelry decor. I challenge you to try it. Oh, and don't try to make up for your loss of paint with a cute outfit either. Plain and Simple. No earrings, no eyeliner, simple hair, simple shoes, simple and comfortable clothes. Just try it. I call it Simple Sunday. As You Are Sunday- or whenever you worship ...or don't. It's merely a challenge to go out into places and around people as yourself. Untouched by any chemical and unadorned by any cloth or metal. Make-up is not wrong, but if you feel like you can't go out of the house without a simple touch of anything, you may want to rock your boat a little. Or, I like this one, we step out of the house without make-up, but look like total slobs. So I guess that no make-up equals slob or working out? What about just being?
Meanwhile, I cannot tell you how many times I've kept the monster of thinpretty alive. That's its name- Thinpretty. So superficial. I love it.
It's a slow and painful death, but Thinpretty is going to sleep with the fish. I want my mind to be engaged and consumed with thoughts about others- not myself. And should I think of myself, my thoughts need not be of criticism or regret of what I just ate. I understand that there are lifestyle changes that must take place for an even healthier mind and body, but the goal is to live. That means no longer being anxious about others seeing me after I've put on 15 pounds, thinking about others more than myself, loving beyond myself, and realizing that I am in the world but not of it. I'm alright...even great.
What cracks me up is this thought that being bikini ready means confidence. I beg to differ on that. I may be a little old school, but that's cool with me. My goodies were only meant for the eyes of my husband. With that being said, showing off your body doesn't mean confidence in the least bit. Who are you showing it off to anyway? Don't get me wrong, we all like attention. But if it's at the expense of exploiting what is sacred, fishing for superficial compliments, or catching the eyes of a lover that is not yours- then I would not call that confidence at all. Call it what you will, but confidence? Nope.
Interestlingly enough, when women suffered and fought for the right to vote, only a year later did we get easily distracted by two old men who invented a little thing called the Miss America pageant. AAAAAHHHHH! That pisses me off!
Does my body need to change shape, size, density, color, texture? That's for my mind to make up. MY MIND! Your body will only do what your mind tells it. Not the other way around. Jesus said that it's not what goes into a man that makes him unclean, but what comes out. Meaning that eventually, whatever you allow into your soul, body, or mind will come out. So you should probably guard your heart, and not give anything and everything the right to come into you without your nod. Reading 100 Cosmo magazines may appear to be harmless, but what will it produce? Fad diets, superficial fixes, and maybe even a brief period of depression. Not worth it.
What have I done to wound and slowly kill Thinpretty? Mute t.v. commercials- use DVR, and skip through the suckers altogether! No more chemical relaxers seeping into my skull in the name of European hair and being afraid of all forms of water- hahaha. Coarse and curly as a honeycomb. Nothing wrong with straight hair, just not using relaxers anymore. Loving the fact that my body is alive, well, and moving. My feet are made to run and share encouragement- not to stand on a scale. My eyes are meant to joyfully weep over the beauty of life- not cry over a pint of ice cream. My hands are meant to lift the heads of the tired- not push away a soul. My mind is meant to foster peace in hopes that I would produce goodness for everyone.
Fat has no part in that. It's such a minute and finite apect of my life that I've given too much attention. I've repented, and know that God's patience towards me has freed me to show you my wounds and battle scars. Hope this helps.
This morning, I recalled a whole lot of memeories that I needed to conjure up before blogging today. Most of the memories were not pleasant but needed. By the way, this is not an estrogen complaining session about skinny and fat. Nope. Just allowing you to see into my life (all of it) and take whatever you need to help you fly from your nasty nests. So, back to the fat part.....
I went all the way back to as far as I could remember. Of course, I think we all are bombarded with image before birth, but I couldn't go back that far- sorry. Yet, I do recall being called a heifer and big as a house by my mother at the age of 8. I recall waiting for mom to bring home groceries while my siblings and I blessed and split a grape popsicle into thirds becasue it was all we had until the groceries came. Mom was and still is a fantastic lady- times were hard for a little. Once those groceries came through that door, I remember telling myself that they were OUR Groceries, and no one would take them away. I would not be hungry ever again! Pretty bold statmenet for a child to make. Since being in the military, I've been told to lose 4 pounds in a week, 'have a slim Christmas' because I had to be weighed when I came back from break in two weeks, stand in a line in public to have my body measured to prove that my muscle is more than my fat because I didn't fit the BMI ( body mass index). Oh, that happens at least 3 times a year. Coming up next month. I've had leaders yell at me to run faster up hills to "get thighs my husband will love", threaten to mess with my pay, and follow me in a banquet line while questioning me about what I placed on my plate. I was welcomed to my new unit with a comment that among the first group to be kicked out of the militray during force reduction would be the fatties. They want Solders that are physically fit- of which I am- they just can't get passed the fat part. Since then, my love/hate releationship with the vicious cycle of diets, food, fat, fitness, and so on has consumed me and even made me anxious for the better half of my life.
Thank God, I'm getting tired of all the BS. I want off this ride, please!!! It's absolutely crazy. Though I will still have to scrape years of layered poop off of my brain and out of my soul, I'm 28, let's get on with it. This does not negate the fact that health will remain in focus. But it does mean that health does not always equal thin. Simple thought but we never let it sink it in. We still chase after the illusive body of a twelve year old. A body that only 3% of women in the world have. A body that, one hundred years ago, would be considered sickly and poor. A body that will Never be me. Truth accepted! Too much time being spent trying to be a body instead of trying to be somebody. That's just unacceptable, Evelyn.
But what about the times I've spent buying into the whole thin thing and keeping it alive? How have I contributed to 'feeding the monster' ? Well, buying magazines that only tell me about how to fix flaws that most of the time never exist, get sexy hair, tighter abs- crap, get some abs! Get this summer look, eat this, don't eat that, bronze yourself- i'm black! Suck in your body with spandex and tighten your face with jelly. What's so sad is that most of us don't even know how to go before God on a Sunday without a painted face and jewelry decor. I challenge you to try it. Oh, and don't try to make up for your loss of paint with a cute outfit either. Plain and Simple. No earrings, no eyeliner, simple hair, simple shoes, simple and comfortable clothes. Just try it. I call it Simple Sunday. As You Are Sunday- or whenever you worship ...or don't. It's merely a challenge to go out into places and around people as yourself. Untouched by any chemical and unadorned by any cloth or metal. Make-up is not wrong, but if you feel like you can't go out of the house without a simple touch of anything, you may want to rock your boat a little. Or, I like this one, we step out of the house without make-up, but look like total slobs. So I guess that no make-up equals slob or working out? What about just being?
Meanwhile, I cannot tell you how many times I've kept the monster of thinpretty alive. That's its name- Thinpretty. So superficial. I love it.
It's a slow and painful death, but Thinpretty is going to sleep with the fish. I want my mind to be engaged and consumed with thoughts about others- not myself. And should I think of myself, my thoughts need not be of criticism or regret of what I just ate. I understand that there are lifestyle changes that must take place for an even healthier mind and body, but the goal is to live. That means no longer being anxious about others seeing me after I've put on 15 pounds, thinking about others more than myself, loving beyond myself, and realizing that I am in the world but not of it. I'm alright...even great.
What cracks me up is this thought that being bikini ready means confidence. I beg to differ on that. I may be a little old school, but that's cool with me. My goodies were only meant for the eyes of my husband. With that being said, showing off your body doesn't mean confidence in the least bit. Who are you showing it off to anyway? Don't get me wrong, we all like attention. But if it's at the expense of exploiting what is sacred, fishing for superficial compliments, or catching the eyes of a lover that is not yours- then I would not call that confidence at all. Call it what you will, but confidence? Nope.
Interestlingly enough, when women suffered and fought for the right to vote, only a year later did we get easily distracted by two old men who invented a little thing called the Miss America pageant. AAAAAHHHHH! That pisses me off!
Does my body need to change shape, size, density, color, texture? That's for my mind to make up. MY MIND! Your body will only do what your mind tells it. Not the other way around. Jesus said that it's not what goes into a man that makes him unclean, but what comes out. Meaning that eventually, whatever you allow into your soul, body, or mind will come out. So you should probably guard your heart, and not give anything and everything the right to come into you without your nod. Reading 100 Cosmo magazines may appear to be harmless, but what will it produce? Fad diets, superficial fixes, and maybe even a brief period of depression. Not worth it.
What have I done to wound and slowly kill Thinpretty? Mute t.v. commercials- use DVR, and skip through the suckers altogether! No more chemical relaxers seeping into my skull in the name of European hair and being afraid of all forms of water- hahaha. Coarse and curly as a honeycomb. Nothing wrong with straight hair, just not using relaxers anymore. Loving the fact that my body is alive, well, and moving. My feet are made to run and share encouragement- not to stand on a scale. My eyes are meant to joyfully weep over the beauty of life- not cry over a pint of ice cream. My hands are meant to lift the heads of the tired- not push away a soul. My mind is meant to foster peace in hopes that I would produce goodness for everyone.
Fat has no part in that. It's such a minute and finite apect of my life that I've given too much attention. I've repented, and know that God's patience towards me has freed me to show you my wounds and battle scars. Hope this helps.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Not Sure
Goodness. I usually use Facebook as my platform to either minister, encourage, complain, or be blah. Unfortunately, I can only post so much on there, so I decided that time is long over due for a blog. Just get it all out there, and hopefully someone will be able to see my humanity, and realize they are gonna be alright. I think it's good to be open and honest about things. The only barrier that tends to stand in the way of that is fear. Fear of what others will think, fear of seeing the reality of yourself when you don't want to accept it,or fear that things will never change.
In the meantime, this blog is entitled Fat, God, and Chivalry for a reason. Why? Simply because these tend to be the things that I find are on my heart. These are the things that I struggle with, question, and love. My biggest desire would be to have such a massive connection of people that will come together, regardless of age, race, sex, politics, faith, size, and so forth. I Love Diversity! I welcome it greatly. Anyone who knows me, will know that I enjoy people from all walks of life. Anyway, enough about that for the time.
I have lots to say. I hope you will listen. I pray we can engage in conversation and maybe experience a few epiphanies as well.
Welcome.....
In the meantime, this blog is entitled Fat, God, and Chivalry for a reason. Why? Simply because these tend to be the things that I find are on my heart. These are the things that I struggle with, question, and love. My biggest desire would be to have such a massive connection of people that will come together, regardless of age, race, sex, politics, faith, size, and so forth. I Love Diversity! I welcome it greatly. Anyone who knows me, will know that I enjoy people from all walks of life. Anyway, enough about that for the time.
I have lots to say. I hope you will listen. I pray we can engage in conversation and maybe experience a few epiphanies as well.
Welcome.....
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