Things and I

 Not giving myself time to rest from the long trip, hunt for furniture, 4 previous months of military training, driving straight from training in Virginia to Tennessee (12 hours), two weeks at my mom's to pack up my stuff, move west, take on a new leadership position at a new unit, and pray for the safe return of my husband. Not sure why I was crying at night in our bed by myself until a great friend of mine told me to look at how crazy life had been for the past year. I reflected and understood why I would 'crash' at night after getting off the phone with my husband. I was tired. Things had taken such a hold of me that I had no idea that I was walking around waiting to unexpectedly have a breakdown at any moment. Only once in my life have I had a panic attack from stress, and I would never wish that upon anyone. Hyperventilation, tears, anxiety, and the most helpless feeling. My whole body just froze in fear. At that point, you feel like death would be a luxury. Anything but that attack. Meanwhile, I wonder how many of us walk around everyday so bound up and ready to break. Trying to hold it together, save face, chase after some illusive dream that won't allow you to enjoy the journey of living until you leave this earth.  Honestly, as scary as a breakdown or anxiety attack sounds, some of us should probably be dangled over the edge a little bit to wake us up. My mortality is very evident to me without being diagnosed with a terminal disease, a deadly car accident, or another's brush with death. With the understanding that there are responsibilities in life, I am not going to throw all caution to the wind. Mind you, this whole relationship that I have with 'things' needs to change direction or even die.
I've never been a "brand name" person. Going into horrible buyer's remorse, debt, or low self-esteem because I am not wearing a logo or driving a particular car  hasn't really been an issue. Yet, I am trying to be still before God and allow Him to show me where I have allowed 'things' to manipulate or steel my joy. I realize that my husband and I have all that we need, and even some things we've wanted. The blessing is not in the stuff that God has allowed us to have, but in seeing beyond that and knowing that He has always provided- always. One good way that I've found to kill the dependence on stuff is to fast from stuff. Most people think that fasting is only from food. If that's you're 'thing' then you should try to fast from it. On the other hand, I have fasted from technology: no t.v., cell phone, computer, microwave, video games, and so on. I gave folks a heads up on me being away from e-mails and phone calls. I couldn't believe how clear my mind was, sitting still before God was a little easier. I was free to be more conscious when I ate, which allowed me to really taste my food, enjoy it, and not overeat. Usually, I would have a horrible habit of eating mindlessly while stuffing my face in front of a box with mind-numbing entertainment.There were so many benefits to letting go of technology for a day. Productivity and being present in my own life were the biggest benefits. God showed that most of the stuff I had actually had me.
I want to know that I can give beyond myself. Not let something have such a hold on me that I can't meet the needs of others in my life. Besides, it's not about me. We all say we want to live comfortable lives. I don't. I want to live and smile no matter where I am. More and more, I am finding out that God is not interested in our comfort but our growth. He offers a peace that surpasses all understanding, which means that if you want to live beyond yourself, you will need that kind of peace. Why? because we are ALL so attached to having things. People work so hard to the point that they lose their families so they can have things. Once you retire, you're too tired or too old to really do anything but skydive with assistance. ..hahaha. I've seen more people stress over vacations: money, where to go, kids. Henry David Thoreau once said, "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."
My main example, of course, is Christ. His humility was His strength. It was not what He wore, who His parents were, what profession He held, or how much me made. Everyone wants a title, but forgets their own name.  Whatever the Father blessed Him with, He was able- even ready to lavish upon someone else without the world knowing.
Who am I to base my life or anybody's life progress on what we do or do not have? Things are not everything. There is so much that I can do without. There are so many ways to use money to the benefit and enrichment of others. Notice I said enrichment- that means to help grow, not clean up mess. God, I don't want to be stingy or so stuck on things that it hurts to live.