It's been a while since I've blogged. Luke is taking a nap, so I'm using this time to release some things.
In looking back throughout school days all the way to today, I've been putting together that something about me is different. I don't want to say that something is wrong with me because maybe it's not wrong for me to be wired the way I am. It could be imperfection for others, but I choose to see it as a different way of being wired.
No, it's not the brain of post-pregnancy or getting older. I know that because I recognize it all throughout my past. Am I looking for a reason for self-pity or blame? No. Yet, something about my brain is wired differently, and I've got to learn how to work with it instead of the insecurity of the issue consuming me like it has for so many years.
Somehow I still graduated high school with honors, but all I remember is failing algebra twice. Not to mention, Mrs. Robinson had a horrible way of teaching and would call me out for not being able to keep up. That memory still brings me to tears as it is right now. All I remember was the emotion of pure stupidity and embarrassment- I wanted a whole to appear under my desk so I could fall into the middle of the earth and never come back. That is what I specifically thought that day in class. My mom would pray with me, read Scriptures to me about wisdom and knowledge, and try her best to encourage me to think positive before going to class. Homework hot line, tutoring, and praying never helped. After a while sheer anxiety would creep over me when I knew math class was coming up next. Then, I got Mrs. Campbell after two failed classes. I don't know how she taught, but I got it. She celebrated with me when I got my first hard earned B, and I recall tears because I was so happy that she cared and that I did it! But nervousness set in...I would pass Algebra I and have to move on to some other class and some other teacher.
Whoever said that musically inclined people are better at math are not being fair with that generality.
Meanwhile, let's fast forward to college....
Australia was awesome.
Dyersburg State- Music/ Vocal Performance major. Two years of absolute hell on earth! Music theory was such a struggle. In fact, it was worse than Algebra I back in high school. Again, I stayed for tutoring. My brain was not getting it at all. While trying to tackle that beast, I was taking classical voice lessons...where I would break into tears trying to sing a piece. For whatever reason, I graduated and then moved on to the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga (UTC) with the same major. No to mention, I'd also joined the Reserve Officer Training Corp (ROTC). If only I'd known the mental beating that I was going to endure, I would've thought twice about this whole deal.
By this time, I'd already grown so hard on myself and stubborn toward others that learning or seeking help was still plausible but rare. Simply because I had some instructors and professors that were *&$$holes.
So I changed my major and balled my eyes out because I didn't know if I was giving up and making the wrong decision. Then, I couldn't find a major that I liked- something that suited me was impossible to find. But I was still in ROTC. Not going into details, but all I can say is I will NEVER visit that program ever again in my life. Being followed around at a buffet and being questioned about the calories in the food is not my idea of a great time- I ended up with a single cookie and sat down. Also, having to learn things that I would never use was a huge stumbling block.
Needless to say, I've had a difficult time processing things in a timely manner. My brain is simply wired differently. When someone reads instructions to a game, it begins to sound like a million bells are going off at the same time they're talking. I get nothing from reading instructions or having them read to me. When people joke about my mistakes, I become a ball of fury and could snap their necks, though outwardly, I can crack a smile or even a laugh. I hate playing games, but I love learning new things- at my own pace. I don't do well in molds, and I've spent many years trying to fit into them for the sake of passing a class or receiving a degree. No thank you. I'm done! Not worth it anymore.
By the way, No Child Left Behind is the biggest piece of damaging BS to our kids- I know that personally.
I see that I've got to deal with my past. It's hurtful and very difficult to understand sometimes. In turn, I've become very hard on myself and hot tempered for not "getting" things as easily as most people. Even last night's dumb mistakes carried over to today. I thought I had prayed enough and moved on until something so simple tripped me up. After being shown how to operate a French press for coffee, I still messed it up and cried for feeling so stupid. Within seconds, I had thrown it against the wall and watched it shatter all over the kitchen floor. Luke was still asleep.
My hard earned degrees are nowhere to be found. They don't adorn our walls or even see daylight. Heck, I don't even know where they are. I don't like being reminded of what it took. Yes, I should be proud of what I accomplished, but I'm not there yet. I'm so hurt. I'm the walking wounded. Once i face this monster of insecurity of intelligence and comprehending, I will truly believe that I'm not the problem, I'm just wired differently.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
In the Beginning
I've been listening to the book of Genesis over and over. With each time, I always notice something that I had not before. Maybe with each different situation, something new is brought to my attention. Whatever the case may be, I am now at a point of really trying and desiring to apply myself from the inside out instead of the outside in like I have been in the past.
In Genesis, God gave man and animals every seed-bearing plant and tree with fruit to be our food. He doesn't mention meat, dairy, processed sugars, or cupcakes. Of course this was before the fall of man- when all was perfect with the world. It is no longer that way, no matter how hard we try to imagine or make it to be. Yet, there are still traces that I am finding of this access to life beyond the curse of sin and death. Never does life on earth stop at salvation.
Meanwhile, it amazes me how God never blesses off on progress being made in a permanent state when it takes place from the outside in. Humans judge primarily on the outward appearance; therefore, we look for progress and change in the same manner. That has and will NEVER last! Get it through your thick brain, Evelyn!! For example, I met a woman who had just become a member of Weight Watchers for the 25th time. Yes, 25th time. I didn't care about what the problem was until I first asked her what her goal was. Her goal was to be skinny. I threw up a little in my mouth when I heard that. I know of plenty of 'skinny' people that are in no way healthy. Some may think it's a blessing to be able to eat anything at any amount and not gain much weight. Personally, I consider that more to have the ability to become a curse because nothing good can come from a wild appetite in the land of American food. Imagine the havoc that is caused within the body.....nasty.
My Genesis is not about being skinny, thin, slim, or look 'normal'- whatever that means. I think diets are the devil, and despise them strongly. This is about me learning- VERY SLOWLY- what it means to become the body that I was created to use while on this earth. I can't use my body at it's fullest potential if it's being bogged down with a host of messy foods and mindsets. I know this much about myself, I have to start my lifestyle change VERY SLOWLY. I am not a cold turkey person, no matter how emotionally charged I may feel in the beginning. That emotion will fade once the first headache from sugar withdrawals comes up.
Once again, SLOWLY.
Slowly, I have worked out fast food. Next will be meat and dairy. Luckily, eating red meat is very rare for me, so that won't be difficult to remove should I choose to do so. Cutting out fried food, too. I hate seafood, so that's out. Oh, my boxes of wonderful PastaRoni and cans of soup- they've been cut out completely! While doing research, I discovered that the only good thing I got out of my boxed and canned processed foods was convenience. Convenience birthed a desire for quick gratification, which led me to some pretty disgusting choices. You may be thinking of junk food- nope- diet foods. Or at least I thought they were good for me. Not true at all.
Just like working out your salvation is a slow process for your spirit, so is learning to eat right. SLOWLY. Because of our hectic lifestyles, taking the time to prepare wholesome foods is not a priority or desire. Then, who wants to spend X amount of dollars on fruit and veggies when they can get 5 boxes of mac n' cheese for three bucks? Besides, how do you cook rhubarb? My cashier could not tell the difference between my cucumbers and my green zucchini squash. Lastly, what's the point of me eating the okra if I've fried the nutrients to death? Like I said, for me, this is SLOWLY.
Moreover, it's been a mental change for sure. Eating healthy because I crave it rather than have to has become less of a burden. Not judging others because they do not choose wholesome over quick is changing as well. Biggest of all, getting the time limit out of my head. You all know what that is. People who diet always set time limits- waiting for the day when they can celebrate their accomplished weight with a trip to Krispy Kreme. None of that diet mentality. No mindless eating in front of the television is a hard habit to break. It's like the fork and remote are made for each other! Hahaha. After a plate, I don't really remember tasting anything or getting full. If I'm going to eat, I want to enjoy it fully. Lastly, I will take advantage of the farmers markets that are so prevalent here in Colorado- the healthiest state in the U.S.- Mississippi has been the fattest for the past decade. Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas- ya'll aren't that far behind!
This has nothing to do with vanity, but everything to do with health. I'm not worried about how I will look or the number on a scale. Two people on this earth are defined by punishing numbers rather than their names- prisoners and dieters. I plan to become neither.
More veggies, please!
In Genesis, God gave man and animals every seed-bearing plant and tree with fruit to be our food. He doesn't mention meat, dairy, processed sugars, or cupcakes. Of course this was before the fall of man- when all was perfect with the world. It is no longer that way, no matter how hard we try to imagine or make it to be. Yet, there are still traces that I am finding of this access to life beyond the curse of sin and death. Never does life on earth stop at salvation.
Meanwhile, it amazes me how God never blesses off on progress being made in a permanent state when it takes place from the outside in. Humans judge primarily on the outward appearance; therefore, we look for progress and change in the same manner. That has and will NEVER last! Get it through your thick brain, Evelyn!! For example, I met a woman who had just become a member of Weight Watchers for the 25th time. Yes, 25th time. I didn't care about what the problem was until I first asked her what her goal was. Her goal was to be skinny. I threw up a little in my mouth when I heard that. I know of plenty of 'skinny' people that are in no way healthy. Some may think it's a blessing to be able to eat anything at any amount and not gain much weight. Personally, I consider that more to have the ability to become a curse because nothing good can come from a wild appetite in the land of American food. Imagine the havoc that is caused within the body.....nasty.
My Genesis is not about being skinny, thin, slim, or look 'normal'- whatever that means. I think diets are the devil, and despise them strongly. This is about me learning- VERY SLOWLY- what it means to become the body that I was created to use while on this earth. I can't use my body at it's fullest potential if it's being bogged down with a host of messy foods and mindsets. I know this much about myself, I have to start my lifestyle change VERY SLOWLY. I am not a cold turkey person, no matter how emotionally charged I may feel in the beginning. That emotion will fade once the first headache from sugar withdrawals comes up.
Once again, SLOWLY.
Slowly, I have worked out fast food. Next will be meat and dairy. Luckily, eating red meat is very rare for me, so that won't be difficult to remove should I choose to do so. Cutting out fried food, too. I hate seafood, so that's out. Oh, my boxes of wonderful PastaRoni and cans of soup- they've been cut out completely! While doing research, I discovered that the only good thing I got out of my boxed and canned processed foods was convenience. Convenience birthed a desire for quick gratification, which led me to some pretty disgusting choices. You may be thinking of junk food- nope- diet foods. Or at least I thought they were good for me. Not true at all.
Just like working out your salvation is a slow process for your spirit, so is learning to eat right. SLOWLY. Because of our hectic lifestyles, taking the time to prepare wholesome foods is not a priority or desire. Then, who wants to spend X amount of dollars on fruit and veggies when they can get 5 boxes of mac n' cheese for three bucks? Besides, how do you cook rhubarb? My cashier could not tell the difference between my cucumbers and my green zucchini squash. Lastly, what's the point of me eating the okra if I've fried the nutrients to death? Like I said, for me, this is SLOWLY.
Moreover, it's been a mental change for sure. Eating healthy because I crave it rather than have to has become less of a burden. Not judging others because they do not choose wholesome over quick is changing as well. Biggest of all, getting the time limit out of my head. You all know what that is. People who diet always set time limits- waiting for the day when they can celebrate their accomplished weight with a trip to Krispy Kreme. None of that diet mentality. No mindless eating in front of the television is a hard habit to break. It's like the fork and remote are made for each other! Hahaha. After a plate, I don't really remember tasting anything or getting full. If I'm going to eat, I want to enjoy it fully. Lastly, I will take advantage of the farmers markets that are so prevalent here in Colorado- the healthiest state in the U.S.- Mississippi has been the fattest for the past decade. Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas- ya'll aren't that far behind!
This has nothing to do with vanity, but everything to do with health. I'm not worried about how I will look or the number on a scale. Two people on this earth are defined by punishing numbers rather than their names- prisoners and dieters. I plan to become neither.
More veggies, please!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)