Lent has started, and this year I have chosen to be apart of the season. It's basically the 40 days before Easter. You spend the season preparing yourself for the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ. Whatever that looks like for the individual is their business. Meanwhile, I've chosen not to fast from television, chocolate, or get up extra early for devotions like I would've thought in the past. Instead, I've chosen to give up a mentality, a mindset, a dead weight.....an obsession with weight and appearance.
That part of me has taken up too much space in my mind. It has brought about a harsh and critical spirit that at times projects itself upon innocent folks. Its appetite is insatiable and its ways lead to doubt and depletion of the soul. I have made a conscious decision to remove from my life all things that feed this monster. Yet, placing all blame on the media is not the ends nor the means. Once the television is off, the scale is thrown away, the diet tip e-mails are unsubscribed, and I've given all my strength at the gym...my mind is still racing and anxious.
Crazy thing is that I am completely healthy! Never had problems with my blood pressure, sugar levels, cholesterol, thyroid, or whatever. Yeah, genetics can predispose people to certain things, but I don't use that as an excuse EVER!!! Besides, why can't we find genes that predispose us to good things, rather than stuff no one wants and can easily use as a cop-out? Just a thought.
Moreover, this mentality is so draining, and inhibiting of all great things that I could create in the world. While, I sulk about my weight gain from pregnancy, someone is in need of encouragement that could be a matter of life and death for them. Though that may sound drastic, you get my point. I'm so stuck on myself when I hit these little pits that it takes my focus from the bigger picture of my life.
This part of me has to die! If I have made anyone feel less than the gift of God that they are because of my selfish judgments, I do apologize with all of my being. I had no right, and I am being more conscious in hopes that all people who encounter me would feel welcome, appreciated, safe, and your individual self.
I make no apologies for my appearance, weight, or health. If I never lost another pound, dress size, or whatever, I am loved by myself, my husband, my son, and my Manufacturer.
Even when I go home next month, I know the folks who talk about their bodies with such disdain. I won't distance myself from them, but I will NOT participate in such frivolous conversation. I'm going in a different direction where my eye sight will become closer to that of I AM THAT I AM, Yahweh, God. Thought I had chosen this road, rather, it had chosen me. It's time, Evelyn. It's time.
Most often the road to freedom is traversed with fear of the unknown, confusion, anger, revelation, mourning, desire, and dancing. I look forward to dancing.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Wired Some Other Way
It's been a while since I've blogged. Luke is taking a nap, so I'm using this time to release some things.
In looking back throughout school days all the way to today, I've been putting together that something about me is different. I don't want to say that something is wrong with me because maybe it's not wrong for me to be wired the way I am. It could be imperfection for others, but I choose to see it as a different way of being wired.
No, it's not the brain of post-pregnancy or getting older. I know that because I recognize it all throughout my past. Am I looking for a reason for self-pity or blame? No. Yet, something about my brain is wired differently, and I've got to learn how to work with it instead of the insecurity of the issue consuming me like it has for so many years.
Somehow I still graduated high school with honors, but all I remember is failing algebra twice. Not to mention, Mrs. Robinson had a horrible way of teaching and would call me out for not being able to keep up. That memory still brings me to tears as it is right now. All I remember was the emotion of pure stupidity and embarrassment- I wanted a whole to appear under my desk so I could fall into the middle of the earth and never come back. That is what I specifically thought that day in class. My mom would pray with me, read Scriptures to me about wisdom and knowledge, and try her best to encourage me to think positive before going to class. Homework hot line, tutoring, and praying never helped. After a while sheer anxiety would creep over me when I knew math class was coming up next. Then, I got Mrs. Campbell after two failed classes. I don't know how she taught, but I got it. She celebrated with me when I got my first hard earned B, and I recall tears because I was so happy that she cared and that I did it! But nervousness set in...I would pass Algebra I and have to move on to some other class and some other teacher.
Whoever said that musically inclined people are better at math are not being fair with that generality.
Meanwhile, let's fast forward to college....
Australia was awesome.
Dyersburg State- Music/ Vocal Performance major. Two years of absolute hell on earth! Music theory was such a struggle. In fact, it was worse than Algebra I back in high school. Again, I stayed for tutoring. My brain was not getting it at all. While trying to tackle that beast, I was taking classical voice lessons...where I would break into tears trying to sing a piece. For whatever reason, I graduated and then moved on to the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga (UTC) with the same major. No to mention, I'd also joined the Reserve Officer Training Corp (ROTC). If only I'd known the mental beating that I was going to endure, I would've thought twice about this whole deal.
By this time, I'd already grown so hard on myself and stubborn toward others that learning or seeking help was still plausible but rare. Simply because I had some instructors and professors that were *&$$holes.
So I changed my major and balled my eyes out because I didn't know if I was giving up and making the wrong decision. Then, I couldn't find a major that I liked- something that suited me was impossible to find. But I was still in ROTC. Not going into details, but all I can say is I will NEVER visit that program ever again in my life. Being followed around at a buffet and being questioned about the calories in the food is not my idea of a great time- I ended up with a single cookie and sat down. Also, having to learn things that I would never use was a huge stumbling block.
Needless to say, I've had a difficult time processing things in a timely manner. My brain is simply wired differently. When someone reads instructions to a game, it begins to sound like a million bells are going off at the same time they're talking. I get nothing from reading instructions or having them read to me. When people joke about my mistakes, I become a ball of fury and could snap their necks, though outwardly, I can crack a smile or even a laugh. I hate playing games, but I love learning new things- at my own pace. I don't do well in molds, and I've spent many years trying to fit into them for the sake of passing a class or receiving a degree. No thank you. I'm done! Not worth it anymore.
By the way, No Child Left Behind is the biggest piece of damaging BS to our kids- I know that personally.
I see that I've got to deal with my past. It's hurtful and very difficult to understand sometimes. In turn, I've become very hard on myself and hot tempered for not "getting" things as easily as most people. Even last night's dumb mistakes carried over to today. I thought I had prayed enough and moved on until something so simple tripped me up. After being shown how to operate a French press for coffee, I still messed it up and cried for feeling so stupid. Within seconds, I had thrown it against the wall and watched it shatter all over the kitchen floor. Luke was still asleep.
My hard earned degrees are nowhere to be found. They don't adorn our walls or even see daylight. Heck, I don't even know where they are. I don't like being reminded of what it took. Yes, I should be proud of what I accomplished, but I'm not there yet. I'm so hurt. I'm the walking wounded. Once i face this monster of insecurity of intelligence and comprehending, I will truly believe that I'm not the problem, I'm just wired differently.
In looking back throughout school days all the way to today, I've been putting together that something about me is different. I don't want to say that something is wrong with me because maybe it's not wrong for me to be wired the way I am. It could be imperfection for others, but I choose to see it as a different way of being wired.
No, it's not the brain of post-pregnancy or getting older. I know that because I recognize it all throughout my past. Am I looking for a reason for self-pity or blame? No. Yet, something about my brain is wired differently, and I've got to learn how to work with it instead of the insecurity of the issue consuming me like it has for so many years.
Somehow I still graduated high school with honors, but all I remember is failing algebra twice. Not to mention, Mrs. Robinson had a horrible way of teaching and would call me out for not being able to keep up. That memory still brings me to tears as it is right now. All I remember was the emotion of pure stupidity and embarrassment- I wanted a whole to appear under my desk so I could fall into the middle of the earth and never come back. That is what I specifically thought that day in class. My mom would pray with me, read Scriptures to me about wisdom and knowledge, and try her best to encourage me to think positive before going to class. Homework hot line, tutoring, and praying never helped. After a while sheer anxiety would creep over me when I knew math class was coming up next. Then, I got Mrs. Campbell after two failed classes. I don't know how she taught, but I got it. She celebrated with me when I got my first hard earned B, and I recall tears because I was so happy that she cared and that I did it! But nervousness set in...I would pass Algebra I and have to move on to some other class and some other teacher.
Whoever said that musically inclined people are better at math are not being fair with that generality.
Meanwhile, let's fast forward to college....
Australia was awesome.
Dyersburg State- Music/ Vocal Performance major. Two years of absolute hell on earth! Music theory was such a struggle. In fact, it was worse than Algebra I back in high school. Again, I stayed for tutoring. My brain was not getting it at all. While trying to tackle that beast, I was taking classical voice lessons...where I would break into tears trying to sing a piece. For whatever reason, I graduated and then moved on to the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga (UTC) with the same major. No to mention, I'd also joined the Reserve Officer Training Corp (ROTC). If only I'd known the mental beating that I was going to endure, I would've thought twice about this whole deal.
By this time, I'd already grown so hard on myself and stubborn toward others that learning or seeking help was still plausible but rare. Simply because I had some instructors and professors that were *&$$holes.
So I changed my major and balled my eyes out because I didn't know if I was giving up and making the wrong decision. Then, I couldn't find a major that I liked- something that suited me was impossible to find. But I was still in ROTC. Not going into details, but all I can say is I will NEVER visit that program ever again in my life. Being followed around at a buffet and being questioned about the calories in the food is not my idea of a great time- I ended up with a single cookie and sat down. Also, having to learn things that I would never use was a huge stumbling block.
Needless to say, I've had a difficult time processing things in a timely manner. My brain is simply wired differently. When someone reads instructions to a game, it begins to sound like a million bells are going off at the same time they're talking. I get nothing from reading instructions or having them read to me. When people joke about my mistakes, I become a ball of fury and could snap their necks, though outwardly, I can crack a smile or even a laugh. I hate playing games, but I love learning new things- at my own pace. I don't do well in molds, and I've spent many years trying to fit into them for the sake of passing a class or receiving a degree. No thank you. I'm done! Not worth it anymore.
By the way, No Child Left Behind is the biggest piece of damaging BS to our kids- I know that personally.
I see that I've got to deal with my past. It's hurtful and very difficult to understand sometimes. In turn, I've become very hard on myself and hot tempered for not "getting" things as easily as most people. Even last night's dumb mistakes carried over to today. I thought I had prayed enough and moved on until something so simple tripped me up. After being shown how to operate a French press for coffee, I still messed it up and cried for feeling so stupid. Within seconds, I had thrown it against the wall and watched it shatter all over the kitchen floor. Luke was still asleep.
My hard earned degrees are nowhere to be found. They don't adorn our walls or even see daylight. Heck, I don't even know where they are. I don't like being reminded of what it took. Yes, I should be proud of what I accomplished, but I'm not there yet. I'm so hurt. I'm the walking wounded. Once i face this monster of insecurity of intelligence and comprehending, I will truly believe that I'm not the problem, I'm just wired differently.
Friday, February 3, 2012
In the Beginning
I've been listening to the book of Genesis over and over. With each time, I always notice something that I had not before. Maybe with each different situation, something new is brought to my attention. Whatever the case may be, I am now at a point of really trying and desiring to apply myself from the inside out instead of the outside in like I have been in the past.
In Genesis, God gave man and animals every seed-bearing plant and tree with fruit to be our food. He doesn't mention meat, dairy, processed sugars, or cupcakes. Of course this was before the fall of man- when all was perfect with the world. It is no longer that way, no matter how hard we try to imagine or make it to be. Yet, there are still traces that I am finding of this access to life beyond the curse of sin and death. Never does life on earth stop at salvation.
Meanwhile, it amazes me how God never blesses off on progress being made in a permanent state when it takes place from the outside in. Humans judge primarily on the outward appearance; therefore, we look for progress and change in the same manner. That has and will NEVER last! Get it through your thick brain, Evelyn!! For example, I met a woman who had just become a member of Weight Watchers for the 25th time. Yes, 25th time. I didn't care about what the problem was until I first asked her what her goal was. Her goal was to be skinny. I threw up a little in my mouth when I heard that. I know of plenty of 'skinny' people that are in no way healthy. Some may think it's a blessing to be able to eat anything at any amount and not gain much weight. Personally, I consider that more to have the ability to become a curse because nothing good can come from a wild appetite in the land of American food. Imagine the havoc that is caused within the body.....nasty.
My Genesis is not about being skinny, thin, slim, or look 'normal'- whatever that means. I think diets are the devil, and despise them strongly. This is about me learning- VERY SLOWLY- what it means to become the body that I was created to use while on this earth. I can't use my body at it's fullest potential if it's being bogged down with a host of messy foods and mindsets. I know this much about myself, I have to start my lifestyle change VERY SLOWLY. I am not a cold turkey person, no matter how emotionally charged I may feel in the beginning. That emotion will fade once the first headache from sugar withdrawals comes up.
Once again, SLOWLY.
Slowly, I have worked out fast food. Next will be meat and dairy. Luckily, eating red meat is very rare for me, so that won't be difficult to remove should I choose to do so. Cutting out fried food, too. I hate seafood, so that's out. Oh, my boxes of wonderful PastaRoni and cans of soup- they've been cut out completely! While doing research, I discovered that the only good thing I got out of my boxed and canned processed foods was convenience. Convenience birthed a desire for quick gratification, which led me to some pretty disgusting choices. You may be thinking of junk food- nope- diet foods. Or at least I thought they were good for me. Not true at all.
Just like working out your salvation is a slow process for your spirit, so is learning to eat right. SLOWLY. Because of our hectic lifestyles, taking the time to prepare wholesome foods is not a priority or desire. Then, who wants to spend X amount of dollars on fruit and veggies when they can get 5 boxes of mac n' cheese for three bucks? Besides, how do you cook rhubarb? My cashier could not tell the difference between my cucumbers and my green zucchini squash. Lastly, what's the point of me eating the okra if I've fried the nutrients to death? Like I said, for me, this is SLOWLY.
Moreover, it's been a mental change for sure. Eating healthy because I crave it rather than have to has become less of a burden. Not judging others because they do not choose wholesome over quick is changing as well. Biggest of all, getting the time limit out of my head. You all know what that is. People who diet always set time limits- waiting for the day when they can celebrate their accomplished weight with a trip to Krispy Kreme. None of that diet mentality. No mindless eating in front of the television is a hard habit to break. It's like the fork and remote are made for each other! Hahaha. After a plate, I don't really remember tasting anything or getting full. If I'm going to eat, I want to enjoy it fully. Lastly, I will take advantage of the farmers markets that are so prevalent here in Colorado- the healthiest state in the U.S.- Mississippi has been the fattest for the past decade. Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas- ya'll aren't that far behind!
This has nothing to do with vanity, but everything to do with health. I'm not worried about how I will look or the number on a scale. Two people on this earth are defined by punishing numbers rather than their names- prisoners and dieters. I plan to become neither.
More veggies, please!
In Genesis, God gave man and animals every seed-bearing plant and tree with fruit to be our food. He doesn't mention meat, dairy, processed sugars, or cupcakes. Of course this was before the fall of man- when all was perfect with the world. It is no longer that way, no matter how hard we try to imagine or make it to be. Yet, there are still traces that I am finding of this access to life beyond the curse of sin and death. Never does life on earth stop at salvation.
Meanwhile, it amazes me how God never blesses off on progress being made in a permanent state when it takes place from the outside in. Humans judge primarily on the outward appearance; therefore, we look for progress and change in the same manner. That has and will NEVER last! Get it through your thick brain, Evelyn!! For example, I met a woman who had just become a member of Weight Watchers for the 25th time. Yes, 25th time. I didn't care about what the problem was until I first asked her what her goal was. Her goal was to be skinny. I threw up a little in my mouth when I heard that. I know of plenty of 'skinny' people that are in no way healthy. Some may think it's a blessing to be able to eat anything at any amount and not gain much weight. Personally, I consider that more to have the ability to become a curse because nothing good can come from a wild appetite in the land of American food. Imagine the havoc that is caused within the body.....nasty.
My Genesis is not about being skinny, thin, slim, or look 'normal'- whatever that means. I think diets are the devil, and despise them strongly. This is about me learning- VERY SLOWLY- what it means to become the body that I was created to use while on this earth. I can't use my body at it's fullest potential if it's being bogged down with a host of messy foods and mindsets. I know this much about myself, I have to start my lifestyle change VERY SLOWLY. I am not a cold turkey person, no matter how emotionally charged I may feel in the beginning. That emotion will fade once the first headache from sugar withdrawals comes up.
Once again, SLOWLY.
Slowly, I have worked out fast food. Next will be meat and dairy. Luckily, eating red meat is very rare for me, so that won't be difficult to remove should I choose to do so. Cutting out fried food, too. I hate seafood, so that's out. Oh, my boxes of wonderful PastaRoni and cans of soup- they've been cut out completely! While doing research, I discovered that the only good thing I got out of my boxed and canned processed foods was convenience. Convenience birthed a desire for quick gratification, which led me to some pretty disgusting choices. You may be thinking of junk food- nope- diet foods. Or at least I thought they were good for me. Not true at all.
Just like working out your salvation is a slow process for your spirit, so is learning to eat right. SLOWLY. Because of our hectic lifestyles, taking the time to prepare wholesome foods is not a priority or desire. Then, who wants to spend X amount of dollars on fruit and veggies when they can get 5 boxes of mac n' cheese for three bucks? Besides, how do you cook rhubarb? My cashier could not tell the difference between my cucumbers and my green zucchini squash. Lastly, what's the point of me eating the okra if I've fried the nutrients to death? Like I said, for me, this is SLOWLY.
Moreover, it's been a mental change for sure. Eating healthy because I crave it rather than have to has become less of a burden. Not judging others because they do not choose wholesome over quick is changing as well. Biggest of all, getting the time limit out of my head. You all know what that is. People who diet always set time limits- waiting for the day when they can celebrate their accomplished weight with a trip to Krispy Kreme. None of that diet mentality. No mindless eating in front of the television is a hard habit to break. It's like the fork and remote are made for each other! Hahaha. After a plate, I don't really remember tasting anything or getting full. If I'm going to eat, I want to enjoy it fully. Lastly, I will take advantage of the farmers markets that are so prevalent here in Colorado- the healthiest state in the U.S.- Mississippi has been the fattest for the past decade. Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas- ya'll aren't that far behind!
This has nothing to do with vanity, but everything to do with health. I'm not worried about how I will look or the number on a scale. Two people on this earth are defined by punishing numbers rather than their names- prisoners and dieters. I plan to become neither.
More veggies, please!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Anybody Else Wonder?
Some things I notice and think about:
Why do people work so hard to get a nice house or car, and are complete slobs in taking care of what they have? Did you not factor in the cost and time for maintenance?
Are vacations necessary every year?
Why do people say they want to give their children what they never had, and that usually ends up being based upon having things rather than based on instilling a back bone and a strong sense of self?
Why do we have to pray about helping someone? So much easier to pray and look away rather than actually do something.
When will we stop trying to have more 'authority over the devil' and learn how to resist a piece of cake or pair of shoes?
Why is it if a man gets the job done, he's a great leader, but if I get the job done, it's because I'm a bitch?
Why do people keep crying out in church for God to come and do something great, when we aren't great at going out?
Why would we rather go into debt for a car rather than invest into an education?
Why does it strongly appear that religious folks are so judgemental and only love with the agenda to convert rather than loving, period?
Why do people claim to believe the whole Bible as 100% truth when they selectively pick and choose what they will read and believe?
In order for any group of people to feel right, we have to make someone feel wrong.....don't get that?
Why are we more obsessed with skanky reality and pop culture rather than world issues and bettering each other's lives?
Why do we use religious literature to discriminate against women and other minorities?
Why don't more women try being nouns rather than an adjective?......voiced by Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Why don't we take better care of ourselves and each other rather than waiting on government to come through?
Why do so many of us act as though the world owes us something?
What's up with the shorts that come right up to the bottom of a female's arse? More like panties.
Why do Christians keep excusing Israel's actions when they've been just as responsible for terrorist acts throughout the world? Not anti-Semitic, but murder is murder no matter who you are!
Anybody else have anything they wonder about from time to time? Let me know. I'd love to know what you're thinking.
God Bless You All
Why do people work so hard to get a nice house or car, and are complete slobs in taking care of what they have? Did you not factor in the cost and time for maintenance?
Are vacations necessary every year?
Why do people say they want to give their children what they never had, and that usually ends up being based upon having things rather than based on instilling a back bone and a strong sense of self?
Why do we have to pray about helping someone? So much easier to pray and look away rather than actually do something.
When will we stop trying to have more 'authority over the devil' and learn how to resist a piece of cake or pair of shoes?
Why is it if a man gets the job done, he's a great leader, but if I get the job done, it's because I'm a bitch?
Why do people keep crying out in church for God to come and do something great, when we aren't great at going out?
Why would we rather go into debt for a car rather than invest into an education?
Why does it strongly appear that religious folks are so judgemental and only love with the agenda to convert rather than loving, period?
Why do people claim to believe the whole Bible as 100% truth when they selectively pick and choose what they will read and believe?
In order for any group of people to feel right, we have to make someone feel wrong.....don't get that?
Why are we more obsessed with skanky reality and pop culture rather than world issues and bettering each other's lives?
Why do we use religious literature to discriminate against women and other minorities?
Why don't more women try being nouns rather than an adjective?......voiced by Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Why don't we take better care of ourselves and each other rather than waiting on government to come through?
Why do so many of us act as though the world owes us something?
What's up with the shorts that come right up to the bottom of a female's arse? More like panties.
Why do Christians keep excusing Israel's actions when they've been just as responsible for terrorist acts throughout the world? Not anti-Semitic, but murder is murder no matter who you are!
Anybody else have anything they wonder about from time to time? Let me know. I'd love to know what you're thinking.
God Bless You All
Friday, July 8, 2011
Needs and I
Have you ever sat down and really thought about what your needs are? Without looking at the mounds of bills that need paying or food you want but do not have in the kitchen...have you thought about it?
That's where I am in my life right now. As an American, I tend to be on the spoiled side when I slow down and look at how my life goes. This is not meant to be a guilt trip of sorts, but a time to reflect and really look at peeling away the unnecessary baggage of deciphering needs vs. wants.
How many of us buy groceries that we feel too tired to cook, and find ourselves eating out more than we should?
How many of us go out shopping because it's the weekend?
How many of us spend more money on entertaining ourselves?
How many of us just want our lives to be comfortable?
And so on and so on....
Yet, how many of us have stopped and realized that we really do have everything that we need, period. As socialist as this sounds, we also have each other to draw from. Family, friends, charities, etc. Sometimes, I find, that we have a bad habit of sabotaging ourselves and what is around us whether we are aware of it or not. Be it fear, insecurity, pride, fanaticism, or poor judgement, we all have made choices that have completely obliterated our wants, desires, and even needs from being met for a season.
Meanwhile, this week, I have been 'cutting away the fat' of this life I live. No financial woes or fears of the future...just a desire for a straight forward and simple life that is enjoyed in its fullest sense of the word. I want to share what I have with no mind to receive anything in return, truly listen to people when they speak, let compassion win over judgementalism, and push the limits of my strength. I can say that it doesn't take much for me to grow content- not complacent. Thank God, there is such a freedom in knowing and seeing that all of my needs are met. I still struggle with HOW they are met rather than accepting and celebrating that they are met...spoiled. Still a work in progress. I like the direction.
Honestly, I like the challenge of seeing what I can live without. It allows me to know that should anything change dramatically that I will be alright- even content. I can't help but always know that and be at peace with the truth that God takes care of me. Plain and simple.
These days, my words in prayer have been less about 'gimme gimme', and more towards endless gratitude. In fact, some days, I've shut up and just been still before God. Not seeking anything or a special 'feeling'- just quiet. Cut out the noise. Cut away the fat. My needs are always met, and I will help meet the needs of others.
That's where I am in my life right now. As an American, I tend to be on the spoiled side when I slow down and look at how my life goes. This is not meant to be a guilt trip of sorts, but a time to reflect and really look at peeling away the unnecessary baggage of deciphering needs vs. wants.
How many of us buy groceries that we feel too tired to cook, and find ourselves eating out more than we should?
How many of us go out shopping because it's the weekend?
How many of us spend more money on entertaining ourselves?
How many of us just want our lives to be comfortable?
And so on and so on....
Yet, how many of us have stopped and realized that we really do have everything that we need, period. As socialist as this sounds, we also have each other to draw from. Family, friends, charities, etc. Sometimes, I find, that we have a bad habit of sabotaging ourselves and what is around us whether we are aware of it or not. Be it fear, insecurity, pride, fanaticism, or poor judgement, we all have made choices that have completely obliterated our wants, desires, and even needs from being met for a season.
Meanwhile, this week, I have been 'cutting away the fat' of this life I live. No financial woes or fears of the future...just a desire for a straight forward and simple life that is enjoyed in its fullest sense of the word. I want to share what I have with no mind to receive anything in return, truly listen to people when they speak, let compassion win over judgementalism, and push the limits of my strength. I can say that it doesn't take much for me to grow content- not complacent. Thank God, there is such a freedom in knowing and seeing that all of my needs are met. I still struggle with HOW they are met rather than accepting and celebrating that they are met...spoiled. Still a work in progress. I like the direction.
Honestly, I like the challenge of seeing what I can live without. It allows me to know that should anything change dramatically that I will be alright- even content. I can't help but always know that and be at peace with the truth that God takes care of me. Plain and simple.
These days, my words in prayer have been less about 'gimme gimme', and more towards endless gratitude. In fact, some days, I've shut up and just been still before God. Not seeking anything or a special 'feeling'- just quiet. Cut out the noise. Cut away the fat. My needs are always met, and I will help meet the needs of others.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Things and I
Not giving myself time to rest from the long trip, hunt for furniture, 4 previous months of military training, driving straight from training in Virginia to Tennessee (12 hours), two weeks at my mom's to pack up my stuff, move west, take on a new leadership position at a new unit, and pray for the safe return of my husband. Not sure why I was crying at night in our bed by myself until a great friend of mine told me to look at how crazy life had been for the past year. I reflected and understood why I would 'crash' at night after getting off the phone with my husband. I was tired. Things had taken such a hold of me that I had no idea that I was walking around waiting to unexpectedly have a breakdown at any moment. Only once in my life have I had a panic attack from stress, and I would never wish that upon anyone. Hyperventilation, tears, anxiety, and the most helpless feeling. My whole body just froze in fear. At that point, you feel like death would be a luxury. Anything but that attack. Meanwhile, I wonder how many of us walk around everyday so bound up and ready to break. Trying to hold it together, save face, chase after some illusive dream that won't allow you to enjoy the journey of living until you leave this earth. Honestly, as scary as a breakdown or anxiety attack sounds, some of us should probably be dangled over the edge a little bit to wake us up. My mortality is very evident to me without being diagnosed with a terminal disease, a deadly car accident, or another's brush with death. With the understanding that there are responsibilities in life, I am not going to throw all caution to the wind. Mind you, this whole relationship that I have with 'things' needs to change direction or even die.
I've never been a "brand name" person. Going into horrible buyer's remorse, debt, or low self-esteem because I am not wearing a logo or driving a particular car hasn't really been an issue. Yet, I am trying to be still before God and allow Him to show me where I have allowed 'things' to manipulate or steel my joy. I realize that my husband and I have all that we need, and even some things we've wanted. The blessing is not in the stuff that God has allowed us to have, but in seeing beyond that and knowing that He has always provided- always. One good way that I've found to kill the dependence on stuff is to fast from stuff. Most people think that fasting is only from food. If that's you're 'thing' then you should try to fast from it. On the other hand, I have fasted from technology: no t.v., cell phone, computer, microwave, video games, and so on. I gave folks a heads up on me being away from e-mails and phone calls. I couldn't believe how clear my mind was, sitting still before God was a little easier. I was free to be more conscious when I ate, which allowed me to really taste my food, enjoy it, and not overeat. Usually, I would have a horrible habit of eating mindlessly while stuffing my face in front of a box with mind-numbing entertainment.There were so many benefits to letting go of technology for a day. Productivity and being present in my own life were the biggest benefits. God showed that most of the stuff I had actually had me.
I want to know that I can give beyond myself. Not let something have such a hold on me that I can't meet the needs of others in my life. Besides, it's not about me. We all say we want to live comfortable lives. I don't. I want to live and smile no matter where I am. More and more, I am finding out that God is not interested in our comfort but our growth. He offers a peace that surpasses all understanding, which means that if you want to live beyond yourself, you will need that kind of peace. Why? because we are ALL so attached to having things. People work so hard to the point that they lose their families so they can have things. Once you retire, you're too tired or too old to really do anything but skydive with assistance. ..hahaha. I've seen more people stress over vacations: money, where to go, kids. Henry David Thoreau once said, "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."
My main example, of course, is Christ. His humility was His strength. It was not what He wore, who His parents were, what profession He held, or how much me made. Everyone wants a title, but forgets their own name. Whatever the Father blessed Him with, He was able- even ready to lavish upon someone else without the world knowing.
Who am I to base my life or anybody's life progress on what we do or do not have? Things are not everything. There is so much that I can do without. There are so many ways to use money to the benefit and enrichment of others. Notice I said enrichment- that means to help grow, not clean up mess. God, I don't want to be stingy or so stuck on things that it hurts to live.
I've never been a "brand name" person. Going into horrible buyer's remorse, debt, or low self-esteem because I am not wearing a logo or driving a particular car hasn't really been an issue. Yet, I am trying to be still before God and allow Him to show me where I have allowed 'things' to manipulate or steel my joy. I realize that my husband and I have all that we need, and even some things we've wanted. The blessing is not in the stuff that God has allowed us to have, but in seeing beyond that and knowing that He has always provided- always. One good way that I've found to kill the dependence on stuff is to fast from stuff. Most people think that fasting is only from food. If that's you're 'thing' then you should try to fast from it. On the other hand, I have fasted from technology: no t.v., cell phone, computer, microwave, video games, and so on. I gave folks a heads up on me being away from e-mails and phone calls. I couldn't believe how clear my mind was, sitting still before God was a little easier. I was free to be more conscious when I ate, which allowed me to really taste my food, enjoy it, and not overeat. Usually, I would have a horrible habit of eating mindlessly while stuffing my face in front of a box with mind-numbing entertainment.There were so many benefits to letting go of technology for a day. Productivity and being present in my own life were the biggest benefits. God showed that most of the stuff I had actually had me.
I want to know that I can give beyond myself. Not let something have such a hold on me that I can't meet the needs of others in my life. Besides, it's not about me. We all say we want to live comfortable lives. I don't. I want to live and smile no matter where I am. More and more, I am finding out that God is not interested in our comfort but our growth. He offers a peace that surpasses all understanding, which means that if you want to live beyond yourself, you will need that kind of peace. Why? because we are ALL so attached to having things. People work so hard to the point that they lose their families so they can have things. Once you retire, you're too tired or too old to really do anything but skydive with assistance. ..hahaha. I've seen more people stress over vacations: money, where to go, kids. Henry David Thoreau once said, "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."
My main example, of course, is Christ. His humility was His strength. It was not what He wore, who His parents were, what profession He held, or how much me made. Everyone wants a title, but forgets their own name. Whatever the Father blessed Him with, He was able- even ready to lavish upon someone else without the world knowing.
Who am I to base my life or anybody's life progress on what we do or do not have? Things are not everything. There is so much that I can do without. There are so many ways to use money to the benefit and enrichment of others. Notice I said enrichment- that means to help grow, not clean up mess. God, I don't want to be stingy or so stuck on things that it hurts to live.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Return to What?
Next time I hear another church folk complaining about prayer being taken out of school, I'll just kindly remove myself. I don't get it. We are told to obey our authority and pray for them. Okay. I can do that. Will I obey at all cost? No, honestly. Yet, when people descend upon the government to be all doom and gloom because there is no prayer in schools, I just shake my head. Usually when prayer happened in school, it was the class saying grace before lunch. That's for the most part. If you're so upset that a teacher does not make your child pray in school, then you as a parent have relinquished your rights to set an example for your own kids. Instead, you rely on big government to dictate. Wrong answer! Whatever happened to the phrase-It all starts at home? The phrase may have vanished but the responsibility has not. Pray with your kids before school- you're the parent, right? "My kids can't read the Bible in school!" Actually, they can. I used to read to myself all the time when my work was done before class was over. Instead, you teach them how to read, study, and pray. People get crazy like school was their last resort for faith.
This doesn't mean that you lay down and take whatever the law says. Challenging and questioning are great. But knowing that you're in the world but not of it keeps you in check as well. No matter what, you keep going on with what you believe is right. Don't be afraid to give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's.
Sometimes I wonder why people are praying that this country return to God. Were we ever with Him in the first place- I mean, truly with Him. I know people will tell me to look at the Christian heritage of our nation, and see why people left England for America- religious freedom. But looking at our hearty attempts to create this perfect City on a Hill caused lots of bloodshed and condemnation. All of that in the name of trying to be a perfect community. The only problem is that the community of Christian chastity and perfection was made up of human beings, which we all know are imperfect and fallible. At least I know I am. Our past was not perfect, so why pray for the return to such a place? I don't think it's neccesarily to God to whom they pray we return. I think most folks long for the days of religious regulation that enslaved many to a bunch of rules. Things do seem to be getting out of hand, but do you think rules have ever saved us? Laws have only purposed to condemn us. Where is the freedom in that?
I understand there must be rules and codes of conduct for protection and safety, but not for trying to control. People will do whatever people want to do. It's the blessing and curse of free will. Parents would know better than anyone else about that. You can love your child to pieces and raise them in the strictest of homes, but that does not take away their ability to choose. You pray they make the right choices- whatever right means- and keep being a parent. Will they fall short as a child- yes. But did you fall short as a parent- sure. We are not perfect. Ya'll okay with that? Free will is crazy beautiful.
Speaking of returning to the old ways, I am finding myself at a more enlightened stance on this whole abortion thing. As we humans love to do, we categorize. Pro-choice and pro-life. Nothing in between. I've spoken against abortion, and to this day believe that it is not the right choice for me. Have I given up and thrown my hands up in the air in surrender? Depends on which way you see the act of surrender. Cowardly or sweet. Meanwhile, I realized, like any law put into place, people will continue to break it. Forever. That doesn't mean I've stopped fighting. It means that I realize that free will can never be controlled. God almighty may command us, but He doesn't make us do anything. He wants us to make the choice, and no matter how heartbreaking it may be to Him, He does not take away our free will. Does that mean I retreat in silence and watch people potentially destroy themselves and others? No. I speak up. I speak up with a fierce and merciful love that is both willing and ready to celebrate or cover a multitude of sins. God gave us 10 commandments and we couldn't keep those. So Jesus broke it down and told us to love God and love people. Think about it. If you love people, you won't steal from them, covet what they own, kill them, so on and so forth. It's plain and simple. People will always do what they want, but can you love them anyway? I don't pray for a return to the days of old. Instead, I pray for the emergence of wild mercy and unbridled love.
I continue to be a recipient of mercy. Let me extend the same. That is freedom in it's finest form.
This doesn't mean that you lay down and take whatever the law says. Challenging and questioning are great. But knowing that you're in the world but not of it keeps you in check as well. No matter what, you keep going on with what you believe is right. Don't be afraid to give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's.
Sometimes I wonder why people are praying that this country return to God. Were we ever with Him in the first place- I mean, truly with Him. I know people will tell me to look at the Christian heritage of our nation, and see why people left England for America- religious freedom. But looking at our hearty attempts to create this perfect City on a Hill caused lots of bloodshed and condemnation. All of that in the name of trying to be a perfect community. The only problem is that the community of Christian chastity and perfection was made up of human beings, which we all know are imperfect and fallible. At least I know I am. Our past was not perfect, so why pray for the return to such a place? I don't think it's neccesarily to God to whom they pray we return. I think most folks long for the days of religious regulation that enslaved many to a bunch of rules. Things do seem to be getting out of hand, but do you think rules have ever saved us? Laws have only purposed to condemn us. Where is the freedom in that?
I understand there must be rules and codes of conduct for protection and safety, but not for trying to control. People will do whatever people want to do. It's the blessing and curse of free will. Parents would know better than anyone else about that. You can love your child to pieces and raise them in the strictest of homes, but that does not take away their ability to choose. You pray they make the right choices- whatever right means- and keep being a parent. Will they fall short as a child- yes. But did you fall short as a parent- sure. We are not perfect. Ya'll okay with that? Free will is crazy beautiful.
Speaking of returning to the old ways, I am finding myself at a more enlightened stance on this whole abortion thing. As we humans love to do, we categorize. Pro-choice and pro-life. Nothing in between. I've spoken against abortion, and to this day believe that it is not the right choice for me. Have I given up and thrown my hands up in the air in surrender? Depends on which way you see the act of surrender. Cowardly or sweet. Meanwhile, I realized, like any law put into place, people will continue to break it. Forever. That doesn't mean I've stopped fighting. It means that I realize that free will can never be controlled. God almighty may command us, but He doesn't make us do anything. He wants us to make the choice, and no matter how heartbreaking it may be to Him, He does not take away our free will. Does that mean I retreat in silence and watch people potentially destroy themselves and others? No. I speak up. I speak up with a fierce and merciful love that is both willing and ready to celebrate or cover a multitude of sins. God gave us 10 commandments and we couldn't keep those. So Jesus broke it down and told us to love God and love people. Think about it. If you love people, you won't steal from them, covet what they own, kill them, so on and so forth. It's plain and simple. People will always do what they want, but can you love them anyway? I don't pray for a return to the days of old. Instead, I pray for the emergence of wild mercy and unbridled love.
I continue to be a recipient of mercy. Let me extend the same. That is freedom in it's finest form.
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