Wired Some Other Way

It's been a while since I've blogged. Luke is taking a nap, so I'm using this time to release some things.
In looking back throughout school days all the way to today, I've been putting together that something about me is different. I don't want to say that something is wrong with me because maybe it's not wrong for me to be wired the way I am. It could be imperfection for others, but I choose to see it as a different way of being wired.
No, it's not the brain of post-pregnancy or getting older. I know that because I recognize it all throughout my past. Am I looking for a reason for self-pity or blame? No. Yet, something about my brain is wired differently, and I've got to learn how to work with it instead of the insecurity of the issue consuming me like it has for so many years.
Somehow I still graduated high school with honors, but all I remember is failing algebra twice. Not to mention, Mrs. Robinson had a horrible way of teaching and would call me out for not being able to keep up. That memory still brings me to tears as it is right now. All I remember was the emotion of pure stupidity and embarrassment- I wanted a whole to appear under my desk so I could fall into the middle of the earth and never come back. That is what I specifically thought that day in class.  My mom would pray with me, read Scriptures to me about wisdom and knowledge, and try her best to encourage me to think positive before going to class. Homework hot line, tutoring, and praying never helped. After a while sheer anxiety would creep over me when I knew math class was coming up next. Then, I got Mrs. Campbell after two failed classes. I don't know how she taught, but I got it. She celebrated with me when I got my first hard earned B, and I recall tears because I was so happy that she cared and that I did it! But nervousness set in...I would pass Algebra I and have to move on to some other class and some other teacher.
Whoever said that musically inclined people are better at math are not being fair with that generality.
Meanwhile, let's fast forward to college....
Australia was awesome.
Dyersburg State- Music/ Vocal Performance major. Two years of absolute hell on earth! Music theory was such a struggle. In fact, it was worse than Algebra I back in high school. Again, I stayed for tutoring. My brain was not getting it at all. While trying to tackle that beast, I was taking classical voice lessons...where I would break into tears trying to sing a piece. For whatever reason, I graduated and then moved on to the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga (UTC) with the same major. No to mention, I'd also joined the Reserve Officer Training Corp (ROTC). If only I'd known the mental beating that I was going to endure, I would've thought twice about this whole deal.
By this time, I'd already grown so hard on myself and stubborn toward others that learning or seeking help was still plausible but rare. Simply because I had some instructors and professors that were *&$$holes.
So I changed my major and balled my eyes out because I didn't know if I was giving up and making the wrong decision. Then, I couldn't find a major that I liked- something that suited me was impossible to find. But I was still in ROTC. Not going into details, but all I can say is I will NEVER visit that program ever again in my life. Being followed around at a buffet and being questioned about the calories in the food is not my idea of a great time- I ended up with a single cookie and sat down. Also, having to learn things that I would never use was a huge stumbling block.
Needless to say, I've had a difficult time processing things in a timely manner. My brain is simply wired differently. When someone reads instructions to a game, it begins to sound like a million bells are going off at the same time they're talking. I get nothing from reading instructions or having them read to me. When people joke about my mistakes, I become a ball of fury and could snap their necks, though outwardly, I can crack a smile or even a laugh. I hate playing games, but I love learning new things- at my own pace. I don't do well in molds, and I've spent many years trying to fit into them for the sake of passing a class or receiving a degree. No thank you. I'm done! Not worth it anymore.
By the way, No Child Left Behind is the biggest piece of damaging  BS to our kids- I know that personally.
I see that I've got to deal with my past. It's hurtful and very difficult to understand sometimes. In turn, I've become very hard on myself and hot tempered for not "getting" things as easily as most people. Even last night's dumb mistakes carried over to today. I thought I had prayed enough and moved on until something so simple tripped me up. After being shown how to operate a French press for coffee, I still messed it up and cried for feeling so stupid. Within seconds, I had thrown it against the wall and watched it shatter all over the kitchen floor. Luke was still asleep.
My hard earned degrees are nowhere to be found. They don't adorn our walls or even see daylight. Heck, I don't even know where they are. I don't like being reminded of what it took. Yes, I should be proud of what I accomplished, but I'm not there yet. I'm so hurt. I'm the walking wounded. Once i face this monster of insecurity of intelligence and comprehending, I will truly believe that I'm not the problem, I'm just wired differently.